Wednesday, November 17, 2010


My dear friend Ashlee Malia is kind of a big deal. So, together we wrote this song on my guitar! It was written about someone specific, but now it can just be a song I guess...


I need you to rescue me
Because I am falling helplessly
Head over heels for you
I know I'm falling way too fast
But I hope these butterflies will last
I can't get enough of you

So catch me before I hit the ground
Because once I'm lost, I won't be found
You hold my heart in your hands
I'm begging you to understand
I need my superman

I hope that you're listening
Closely to the words I sing
Because they are meant for you
I'm praying that you'll be the one
Who rescues me when I've come undone
The only one I want is you

Oh my head spins and my knees go weak
Sometimes I can barley speak
You've got a hold on me
But it's your turn to close your eyes
And picture me under deep blue skies
And wish with all your heart I was yours

Please say you'll catch me before I hit the ground
Because once I'm lost, I won't be found
Don't break my heart, it's in your hands
Why is it so hard to understand
I need my superman
Why won't you be my superman

Monday, November 8, 2010

My Life Be Like: "Woah... Are You Serious Right Now?"

I"m going to start off by saying people are ridiculous. In good and bad ways.

First of all: When you tell someone that you will let them know when you don't "like" them any more, make sure you do that. That way, they don't run around trying as hard as they can to make you happy and make themselves look like a complete fool. Don't tell them that you still have feelings for them, and then turn around and still treat them like you could care less if they fell off a cliff.
People bug.

Second: My friends are amazing. I know I say this a lot, but I can't get over it. They make everything worth dealing with. Laughing is one of my favorite things ever. So when i'm driving around in a car with my guys and they all start scream singing to "I Just Died In Your Arm Tonight" I can't breath because I am laughing so hard. Those are the kinds of night that I never want to end.

Third: Even if you make me mad and treat me like crap, I am still going to give you the benefit of the doubt and treat you with respect. I won't treat you the way you treat me, so how about you change something? I don't really hold grudges, so if you would just stop acting like you are above everyone and come down to our level, I would be more than happy to just be friends. But that involves your head to deflate a bit. Seriously.

Fourth: I love my family. They make me laugh. Especially my little brother. I love how when someone hurts me, my aunt's first comment is "I know people in the Mafia. Just give me a call" I love how they will help me pin sheets over all the doorways in the living room so we can have a giant fort. Ans instead of making fun of me for acting like I'm five, they play along with me.

Fifth: I wish I could go back and erase you from my memories. That way I could be happy all the time and quite looking back. If you keep acting like this, I will eventually just walk away. But hey, I guess that's how we learn our lessons. And I have learned a HUGE one. So maybe I should say thank you. :) Please, treat her better than you treated me. She deserves it.

It's raining right now... that makes me happy.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Jealous Cougar Fool

My dear friend Peter Woods, (He's kind of a big deal), showed me this. I love it. Plus, it mentions Jordan Wynn. And everyone knows I'm basically in love with him...

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Sometimes...You Can't Help But Love Things

Today has been a one of those days where my mind wont shut off. The subject? Things I love. So, I guess I will write a list of things that I love and why...

#1 Those long "I like you" hugs. You know, the kind of hug that you give to the person you like. You go to give them a hug, but neither one of you wants to let go so you just stand there and feel special.

Last night we drove over to Nicole's house and her brother was on their drive way giving a girl one of those hugs. Made me realize how much i love and miss those kinds of hugs.

#2 Daisies.

I'm not sure why. I just love them. Give me some, and my heart melts.

#3 Talking to someone on the phone just because they like talking to you. Doesn't matter what you talk about. You just like the sound of each others voice.

#4 Answering/asking people to dances. I like to be funny and I have so many ideas that I didn't get to use. So if anyone needs some help, i'm here for ya!

This girl, Brooke, got her boyfriend to do something stupid at a blowup play ground. So security walked over and took him in the back room and yelled at him. Right in the middle of the lecture they yelled "By the way, she says yes!" and then walked out. Brooke, you're so freaking cool.

#5 The sound of violins <3

#6 Softball/Baseball games. Doesn't matter if I'm playing or watching. It's a pure love right there. I remember my first year i played softball. I was so scared to get hurt. Now, it's just a natural thing.

#7 I'm not going to lie... I love smiley faces in text messages. Reassures me that you like me. And that you're happy to talk to me.

#8 Pineapple. I can't really explain it. But give me pineapple and I'm your friend forever. I makes me super happy and kind of hyper. It's just a great thing to have.

#9 Not having a job, but having money. Yeah, yeah. I know. Who doesn't like this? But hey, I can dream.

#10 PIGGY BACK RIDES. Yeah, that's kinda weird I guess. But it's just one of those random things that makes me really happy. For example...If i like a boy, that's great. But if that boy gives me a piggy back ride, Oh man. He's golden. Maybe I like them so much because they make me feel small, light, and safe. But I don't really know haha.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Again With the Thinking of My Brain...

I've been thinking lately... Is it better to wear your heart on your sleeves, or should you hold back and wait to see what happens. Only letting a little out at a time? I'm not one to really put my feelings out there. I feel like if i do, i'd scare people away. But I got an email from a friend the other day. They told me a few things that made me think...

#1: If you need and answer, ask a question. You deserve to know what's going on in any situation.

#2: Don't let your self be left in the dark. Let people know that you're not going to sit around and wait for them to take action.

#3: Don't settle for any less than you deserve. You're completely unique, and that makes you amazing. There's only a handful of people in the world that deserve your attention, so give it wisely.

#4: Don't be so shy. People love you when they know you. So how can anyone get to know you if you hold back?

#5: Be yourself at all times. Like I said, you are unique, which makes you amazing. You shine like no one else, so let everyone see it.

So maybe i need to be a bit more forward at times. Which could be a huge challenge because i'm not forward at all. I'm shy, quiet and sarcastic. Which is actually a dangerous mix i've realized, because some people can't tell when i'm joking... So I think there is a good balance of wearing your heart on your sleeves and holding back. What do you think? I think letting people know how you feel is a great thing to do. But don't be creepy. Cuz once you cross the creepy line, there really isn't a point of return.

So i guess my goal for the week is to be more forward. Let's see if i can handle it.

Friday, August 27, 2010

The Things That Make My Heart Race

I'm gonna start off with a short list of things that make my heart race. Either from happiness, excitement, or fear. Either way, they get my heart going.

1. Getting a letter in the mail (Happy, Excited)
2. Being in a place where i'm totally out of my element (Excitement, Fear)
3. Ryan (Happiness, Fear, Excitement)
4. The thought of being a Life Flight paramedic (Excitement, Happiness beyond words)
5. The idea of me getting married (Fear, Excitement)

This week has been one that has made my heart basically feel like it is going to jump right out of my chest. On Monday, i started my new job up at the bookstore. I shouldn't have been scared because I know a lot of the people there. My Dad is one of the managers. I know how to work everything. But on my way to my first day i was terrified. First off because i knew that i was going to have to talk to people that i didn't know. Not one of my strong points. People scare me. And second, because i have to ride trax to and from work. People always end up talking to me no matter what i do and every once and a while, a random guy will hit on me. Coming home one day on trax, a guy looked at me and said "don't take this the wrong way, but you're gorgeous" So yeah that was nice of him so i smiled and said thanks and then just stared at my feet. So awkward. Finally a seat opens up and i sat down. Other guy leans over and says " Is he bothering you?" I tell him no , not any more. So he replies "Okay cuz if he was just tell me and i would take care of it." Thanks dude. One morning as i got off the train a guy almost knocked me out with his backpack. He said sorry and i assumed that would be the end of talking to him. But then he starts talking to me and asking me about myself. He was super nice and walked with me all the way to the bookstore and then when i had to go he realized he was in the opposite end of where he should be. (I'm gonna say something and no one is allowed to comment on it) I don't understand why these things happen. While at work i got asked for my number a few times, and other stuff like saying my name was pretty and that i have the prettiest eyes they have ever seen. Look, I know myself. I know what i look like. I'm nothing out of the ordinary or special. I'm even that good looking so why do people gotta creep on me? But anyways, I'm not so scared of work any more. I know more of what i'm doing and everyone knows me. The 9 hours days are just killing me now.

Oh man...Ryan. This guy scares the crap out of me. (for those of you who don't know, Ryan is the boy I like) I can't read him at all. This frustrates me. The first time he held my hand, my stomach was going crazy. While we were walking around the park talking, I felt like i might fly away. When i was in Idaho and we would text constantly, I couldn't believe someone was this awesome. When he kissed me..oh my heck. If people could spontaneously com bust, i would have. He is just like me. He is super sweet. He's proven to me that chivalry is not dead. He opens all my doors. When we were walking in the park, he makes me move so i'm not walking on the side next to the road. He won't ever let me pay. (It kills me) This all makes me super happy and such, but i'm also scared of him. The way he talks to me over text has changed. It went from flirting all the time, trying to make me smile all the time, smiley faces, laughing, making me feel special. And then actually calling me on the phone to talk to me. *sigh* But now it's totally different. I don't know what changed or if i did anything. He assured me a little while ago that he still REALLY liked me. So that set my mind at ease for a while...but i'm still scared. I don't want this to end up like every other time. I think i have a defect that makes me screw these things up.

Today at work, I saw the two coolest women ever. They were just going through the line to buy stuff just like everyone else there. But these women were from Life Flight. They had their Life Flight uniforms on and oh man. My heart stopped. I want that to be me!

Then while i was riding home on the bus with my Dad, there was a big accident on 5300 south. The first thing i saw was two paramedics holding a little girls hand and leading her over to the ambulance. Then i saw another one putting bandages on someones head in the back of the ambulance. Oh man gosh. I NEED that to be me. I want to be out there, helping people who are hurt. Driving around until i'm needed. I don't know why this kind of job is so appealing to me but i know that if i don't go and try to be a paramedic or a LF paramedic, i will never forgive my self.

I got two letters in the mail this week. One from my friend Jared and another from my friend Paul. Jared is still in the MTC but Paul is in Australia. I love my missionaries. They are so bomb i can't even explain it.

The other day my Mom said something that i couldn't decide if i was angry about or if i was scared of. She said she was worried that since i have never really dated much or ever had a boyfriend that the first boy that asks me out or asks me to marry him, i'll jump into it without even thinking if it's right for me. What the heck Mom?! I may get twitter patted easily and want to feel like someone really cares about me, but trust me. I will not be getting married any time soon. Sheesh. I can barley handle the concept of moving out into my own place. Let alone get married. Yikes!

Well my heart is racing just thinking about everything right now. I think i accidentally made Ryan mad just now... My phone broke so right now i'm using my old crappy one and it doesn't always send my messages. So he thought i was ignoring his question. Awesome. And then his phone died. I love my life. I hate making people mad. Especially when I don't mean to and they just misunderstood me. Gah. Plus not knowing what he thinks of me at this point sucks. What happened to the old fun, cute, flirty, silly Ryan? uhhg. I hate how things always change on me and throw me for a loop...

Tuesday, August 17, 2010


Vacations are the bomb. Especially when you go with the two funniest people ever to step foot on this earth. Sara Pickett and Reed Charles just about had me dying from laughing every day.
We drove up to Island Park (up in Idaho)to spend the weekend with his grandparents at their cabin. Holy cow this cabin was amazing! So pretty too. It had two levels and an awesome loft. Every morning we wake up to cookies and a big breakfast. His grandparents are some of the most sarcastic, funny old people i have ever met. So super nice too. The first day we went four wheeling. I'm basically pro at four wheeling, i just like to look at whats around me when i ride so Sara thinks i go too slow even though i'm doing 25mph+ the whole time.
The second day we went up to Yellowstone. I had never been there so they figured they would take me on an adventure. Woot. We got stuck in traffic for about 45 mins. after getting into the park. There wasn't much to do to keep ourselves entertained since there were no animals around so Reed decided to bark at the people who walked past the car. He also pulled out his camera and when someone would walk by he'd scream "Wildlife!" and take a picture of them. I love getting confused looks from people that think we are freaks. We saw some cool geysers and of course took a trip to see Old Faithful. It was of course...faithful. While we were on our way out of the park, we saw a buffalo. Only freaking animal we saw the whole time besides a squirrel.
That night we drove to Idaho Falls because his grandparents were going home and we were gonna stay at their house for our last night. Of course, I get the bedroom int he basement that is covered in pink and has a nice creepy rag doll sitting on the bed. *major shuddering* So when Sara went upstairs i grabbed the doll and put it on her bed. When she finally went into her room to change, she shut the door. I hear an "Ahhhh!" and then i see the door shaking. The door was stuck and she couldn't get it open. So of course i'm on the floor laughing so hard that i can't breath. Ah, good times. So when we all finally went to bed i waited about ten minutes and then decided to text Sara and say "Creepy doll girl is sitting under your bed. Waiting for you to fall asleep" So the next thing i know, Sara runs into my room and jumps into my bed. Yep, i just got a roommate for the night hahaha. I think maybe i should have been nicer to her though. I woke up the next morning when she started beating me over the head with the doll...It wasn't a soft doll. And when i didn't get out of bed for that, she has Ryan give me a "wake up call". I guess that's one way to get me awake. Good morning, my friend is an abusive genius. To say the least.
Now me and Sara are talking about moving out and going to live in a condo on the East side of Murray. That would become the party house for sure. And hopefully over labor day weekend we will be adventuring in Carlsbad, California. Then i can go to the beach and mark another thing off my bucket list!!
Speaking of the bucket list...Here's an update:

-Soap up the three fountains

-Go on a date to Lagoon (always thought that would be the funnest date)

-Get a kiss in the rain (not just any random kiss. a meaningful one)

-Go skydiving

-Visit (bodacious!) Brad in Arizona He's over in utah now for college so this aint gonna happen. FAIL


-Read the Book of Mormon all the way through again

-See the ocean

-Walk on the beach in the moonlight

-Have a "paint my house" party

-Work and save up my money

-Be nicer to my sisters and brother believe it or not, i'm a lot nicer than i used to be. WIN

-Appreciate my parents more Definitely a WIN

-Play for All Stars Didn't make the team. FAIL

-Go on a date to temple square

-Make a few awesome music videos

-Learn to do some legit tricks on the trampoline like Joseph and his brother

-Have the biggest bonfire EVER Thanks to Celeste, Dave, Benny and Kyle and lots of other random people. Had it on my birthday! It rocked. WIN

-Go boating. Possibly try water skiing, but for sure go tubing.

-Go camping A LOT. Trek, Girls Camp. Family trip, Idaho cabin and soon the sand dunes! WIN

-Have a paint fight Epic. Celeste, Eric, Maddi, Jessica, and Mike helped with this one. WIN

-Hike like a maniac. (Hike a lot. Not act like a maniac while i hike.) Hiked every chance i got. Too bad my body doesn't want to let me breath. but still, a WIN

-Make a giant Works bomb Brett, Matt, Becky, Andrew, and Andrew helped with this one. It was amazing and a lot louder than expected. Not our smartest idea. But hilarious. WIN

-Actually do something for my birthday Movies with Sara, Dinner with Kelsey. Movie and brownies with Celeste and Madi. But sadly, I didn't get a bouncy house... WIN

-Hang out with my long lost friends found vis Facebook stalking

-Try not to eat ice cream! (decided that it's not gonna happen. I like shakes too much.) FAIL

-Air soft war with Sara Pickett, Celeste and whoever wants to get killed by us

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Life is a Hole...DIG IT

My last post I talked about promises, and since then, I have made a huge effort to keep my word. And so far, I've done really well. Just by keeping simple promises, i've noticed that people around me are much happier. The promises i was really wanting to be kept by my friends didn't happen, but oh well. I had fun.

My birthday was on saturday. Friday night, Celeste, Kyle and I went to a bonfire out in the west desert. We were invited by out friends Benny and Dave. A big group of people came and most of them turned out to be really awesome people. At first, we were attacked by crazy bugs. They bit and flew into your face and basically were out to drive you nuts if you were anywhere near the fire. But after about an hour or so, they went away and we were able to play around the fire. The guys had brought big wooden pallets to burn, and when they would put them on the fire, Benny would hop on it and dance. I don't think i have ever laughed so hard at someone while they were dancing inside of a fire. After a while i got a text telling me happy birthday and i realized it was midnight. Holy crap, I had just turned 18. Later we all sat in a circle and played the sound game (funniest game i have ever played. holy heck.) Then right before we left everyone found out it was my birthday so a big group of random people sang me happy birthday while i stood there awkwardly and tried not to run away. We finally got home and i crashed. Later, i woke up around 2 p.m. (nice way to waste my birthday) But then Sara picked me up and we went to gateway and we saw Despicable Me. Great, great movie. Super fantastic! Then she passed me off to Kelsie who took me to eat dinner at Rumbi. I had never been there before and it was pretty dang good! Then i headed over to Celeste's to hang out with her and Maddi. We went to Albertson and they made me pick some kind of treat because i hadn't had cake for my birthday. I couldn't decide cuz honestly, i didn't really care what we got, im happy with anything. (I was laughing cuz while i was trying to decide i heard Celeste tell Maddi (correction, I guess it was Maddi who told Celeste, haha) how i wasn't much of a decider. I never choose. I'm just not a chooser. Ever. haha So after i picked a bowl of little mini brownie bite things we headed over to Maddi's house. It was really weird going there because the house that is right next to hers/behind hers is my old step grandpa's house where i had spent A LOT of time there with my family when i was a kid. We headed up to Maddi's cool little loft and we watched Red Eye and Psych. Before we watched the movie, Maddi came up with the bowl of mini brownies and she had but a little tea candle on top of it. I didn't know if i should laugh or cry. Out of all the things that people had done for me that day, for some reason, this was the best. The nicest. And the most awesome. I seriously felt like i was going to explode from happiness. I was super irritated at some one at that moment but i was still so happy that it wasn't too bad.
The tiny little candle on top of the brownie bowl made me think about how it felt like everything in my life was falling into place even though it might seem at times like it was falling apart. I was with two of the greatest people ever. They had put a candle on a pile of brownies to be funny, yet it was the best thing that had happened all day. I need to look at life more closely and see the tiny candle on top of my brownie bowl in every situation.
I've been so focused on being frustrated that its like i forgot how to be happy! I would look at things or people that would have normally caught my eye and just thought "Meh, I don't care any more" But, im done with that!

Life is a hole.... DIG IT!

I love being happy. But, who doesn't? I love noticing things and people and having that make me overly happy. Like this guy. He's tall, dark and gorgeous. Plays guitar and sings. In the words of Celeste "I'm suuuper attracted to him" (I wish it was funny when i say it, cuz when she says it it's freaking hilarious.) I notice the lyrics to songs again. They aren't just rhyming words. Goll, I love music. Music is what feelings sound like! (Ben Folds is a genius) I like noticing the sky...It's always so pretty. No matter what time of day. And how super clean my room is. Or noticing how late it is and that i need to go to bed...

Monday, July 26, 2010


"Promises mean everything when you're little and the world is so big."

I heard that in a song while I was driving home tonight. At first, I just though "Oh hey... That's pretty true." but as i kept driving, that line just kept replaying over and over in my head. Then i started thinking about how we all make so many promises, but how many of those do we actually keep? And do we realize how making or breaking them affects other people? I then started thinking about how I make promises to my little brother, Jarom, all the time. A lot of the time I don't keep them. The three biggest ones that i make to him constantly are 1: "You can come with me next time." 2: "You can call Dido another day" and 3: "I'll play with you when i'm done with this." And most of the time I don't keep them and he makes sure that I know he's upset and every time i feel really bad about it so i end up either giving him some kind of treat or taking him somewhere to play.

Then I started to think about all the promises people have made to me. Like most people, I only really remember the ones that were important in my eyes. The one person who has made tons of promises to me is Celeste. And she keeps every promise that she can to me. Like having a paint fight. Playing with the tube at southwood. Having an air soft war. Ect. And thinking about that made a realize even more how much promises mean to people. It's nice to know that when someone says they are going to do something, they actually do it.

As i got closer to home, I started thinking about how i feel when promises are made to me and then broken. I feel like my little brother. Sad, lonely, and let down. I get in a bad mood and just want to sit by myself and cry. I think if we all knew how important our promises are to people, we would try harder to keep them and try harder not to make ones that we can't keep. So then of course I started to think about the promises that have hurt me the most.

"We're going to hang out, cuz I love hanging out with you" What happened to that?

"I'll totally be your date tomorrow night. I'll be there at seven" You never showed.

"I'll call you tomorrow night and we will talk" Still haven't heard from you.

"This will be OUR summer!" If that's true, summer hasn't started yet.

"Just jump off the deck, I promise the trampoline isn't slippery" It WAS slippery. I fell off. It was hilarious but i swear i broke my tail bone.

All of those are in the past. But they still hurt. Except for my tailbone. Full recovery there, just damaged pride. There is one promise that is really on my mind lately though. When they found out my birthday was in a few months they promised that we would do something awesome. I haven't really done much since my 12th birthday. And this is the big 1-8. I know birthdays aren't a big deal, but the promise was. To me. I doubt it will happen but i can't help but wish on everything, that you'll pull through. I wish on 11:11. Rail road crossings. Eye lashes. Stars. And I pray. So now i sit here Monday morning at 1:58 a.m. wondering what is going to happen. My brain will not shut off now. My birthday is on saturday. July 31. I feel like if the promises doesn't pull through, nothing will seem as great as it could be. It's so dumb too because I know if it doesn't happen, part of it's my fault. But i'm tired of trying to take all the blame just so things will blow over. All i want for my birthday is for this one promise to pull through. (and maybe a bouncy house in my front yard...) I've been wondering for weeks what is going to happen. I'm guessing you have forgotten all about it. I wish my brain wasn't so intent on remembering everything you say to me. I'm so freaking tired at this point. I got home this afternoon from a camping trip with my Mom's side of the family. And I am so BEAT! So much sun and dirt and laughing and sunburns and more dirt. But ever since that song came on the radio my mind has been racing. I need an off switch. I feel like i could pass out right on my key board... usfuhdaufgouadef.
I know i think way to much. Over analyze EVERYTHING. Worry about EVERYTHING.
That's probably why the things that happen to me, happen.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Called To Serve

Oh where to begin... This past month has been crazy for me. And a HUGE eye opener.

About 4 weeks ago i was able to go on Trek with my stake and ward. I enjoyed it a lot more than i thought i would and the reason i did was because of the guys in my ward. Words can't even describe how much i love them. There's Adam: Probably my best guy friend right now. He always wants to hang out. Helps me out with anything, even the dishes. He's hilarious and easy to talk to. There's Matt: Tall. Lurpy. Hilarious. Sarcastic. Awkward...but awesome. There's Jameson:Blunt. Funniest person ever. I can talk to him about everything. Comes off like he's really, but he's sarcastic to the max and it's awesome. He's my friend McCall's older brother and last year at youth conference we realized we didn't hate each other and ever since then we have been friends. And he ends up carrying me at some point during every youth conference haha.Then there is Jared: Two years ago, we really liked each other. But i was a few weeks away from turning 16, and because of that he got in trouble with his parents because we went on a "date" to go get pizza. We stopped talking and he started dating another girl. But about ten weeks ago, he got his mission call and we started talking then. I realized i had never really stopped liking him over the past two years, i had just ignored it. Then over Trek we got to talk and hang out. That made it easier to talk once we got home. Him and Adam came up and helped with girls camp. Then for the fourth of July i asked him and Adam if they wanted to go see the fire works at Sugarhouse park. They said yes and Jared said he wanted to drive so we drove up there, rocked out to Cheri Call and The Hippos, hopped a fence and then watched some awesome fireworks. After, we got my sparklers and went over to Jared's house and lit them off and then doused them with gasoline. I remember thinking on Trek, "Okay well I have a month to hang out with him. That is a long time." But now i sit here trying not to bawl my eyes because tomorrow he leaves for the MTC. The past three days i have spent so much time with him. Sunday was his farewell. After his talk, we went over to his house at 11. We all ate, and talked and then watched the World Cup. We finally left his house around 3:30. Then on Monday, Adam, Jared, Kellyann, Lindsley and I went bowling. I love hanging out with Jared and Adam. They just make me smile. After bowling, Kellyann went home so the four of us went to Ihop around midnight. Again we just talked and laughed and ate and had an awesome time. Around 1:30 Lindsley had to leave so Jared, Adam and I went to twirly park and i showed them the awesomeness of this park. We spun until we couldn't see straight. We would spin and run and fall and then do it all over again. Then we sat in the giant tree and talked and played around. Finally around 3:30 am we decided to go home, because we were going to the temple in a few hours and thought we might want to get some sleep.

Tuesday July 13 was probably the more bittersweet day i have had in a really long time. Jared, Adam, Paul, and Andrew drove up to the Draper temple at 6 am to do endowments. Then at 9 am McCall and I met them up there so we could all do baptisms for the dead. Jared is going to Germany and leaves for the MTC on July 14th. Adam leaves for Samoa on November 3rd. Paul is going to Australia and he leaves July 21st. Andrew is going to Argentina...idk when he is leaving. But the boys were able to baptize and confirm McCall and I. Seeing the guys all dressed in white and in the temple really changed my view of them. I gained a lot of respect for them. I felt really stupid, but i couldn't keep my eyes off Jared. It just looked like he was shining the whole time. Being with these guys has changed my life. It really makes me realize what it really important in my life. I already basically knew what was important but seeing the four of them in the temple today really strengthened my testimony. After the temple we went to Applebee's and met up with 2 guys are are leaving on their missions. Brandon is going to Argentina and also goes into the MTC tomorrow. Dan is going to Florida but i dont remember when he is leaving. I felt really strange sitting the the middle of a giant group of guys all dressed up in suits and getting ready to leave to serve the Lord. I almost felt lower then them because they are all just so amazing. After eating, we all said goodbye and took some pictures. I haven't hugged Jared in a really long time so when he gave me a hug after eating i swear i felt my heart drop. It really hit me that tomorrow, he'd be gone. He gave me another hug and i just sunk lower. This came so fast. But luckily I was hanging out with Adam later today and he was going over to Jared's with Matt so they could talk and take some picture so i went with them. I brought him a giant bag of popsicles haha. We sat and talked and joked around and then took picture of the three of them. Jared gave me one of his CDs that i really liked so i guess i have atleast one thing. I decided i should leave so i said goodbye. I turned to Jared and said "Well, i guess i'll see you in two years?" he looked at me for a minute and said "Wow. Yeah... i guess so. I'd give you a hug but... yeah." So he shook my hand. I wanted to cry. I still can't believe he is leaving tomorrow. I know i'm going to miss him like crazy, and i'll miss all my friends like crazy, but i know it's what they are supposed to do. I wish it wasn't so hard. We'd always joke around saying "Three days till you're a missionary!" "ooo 4 more hours till you're officially a missionary." but now that it's here, the jokes aren't so funny. It's hitting so hard. Once my guys are gone, I don't know what i'm going to do with myself. I feel like i'll be all alone. A huge chunk of my life will be missing. But i'm so glad they are going at the same time. Like said, they all just shine. And i love them for that. They are my biggest examples and i don't think i would be the same without them. Nexy sunday is Paul's farewell. Geez! Everyone is leaving just one after the other!

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Go Karts

Have you ever been go karting? If the answer is NO, then you should. If the answer is YES then you're awesome.

Today was Sara's birthday. So me and her took a trip down to Gateway and played around in every store and the fountain. We got a free snow cone (Thanks Jael) then went over to temple square. A very cute guy and two girls walked up to us and asked if we would take a quick survey for them. Sure why not. The boy was very cute but then we realized that the survey and the questions they were asking us were bashing on the LDS church. Not cool. Peace out not-so-hot-anymore guy. Sara's papa works in the church office building so we ventured over there and he showed us around and had us meet and talk to everyone. We found out there are way to many people in his office that want to Dutch to win the world cup. Boo. GO SPAIN! Sara danced because well...She's Sara, and it was her birthday.

Reed (her boyfriend) and I got together a cool surprise for her. He took her to dinner (like a good boyfriend should) and then he drove her to Fast Karts. 1st surprise: Go karts! 2nd surprise: Kylee is here! We raced for about a half an hour with another couple that was there. It kind felt weird for me cuz we tried to get more of Sara's friends to come go karting but no one could. So it was me Sara&Reed and then the other couple. It's like i was the fourth wheel. But oh well, I couldn't do much about that.

Go karts in real life are a lot harder to drive than Mario Kart. But once I got the hang of it i rocked. Going fast is a thrill and sliding around the corners and almost dying is a rush. The girl from the other couple was a TERRIBLE driver. She went SUPER slow and so of course i always got stuck behind her. She always spun out and would just sit there. One time i accidentally ran into the back of her kart and she flew into a got stuck in the wall. Hahaha. I felt bad, but it was really funny. We also got to wear awesome motorcycle type helmets so i felt like a BAMF. After our racing was over, we said goodbye. I left and Sara and Reed went off and did whatever boyfriends and girlfriends do when it's their birthday. I would go to twirly park...but that's just me. When i started to drive me car it felt really funny. The gas was really easy to push on and the steering wheel was super easy to turn. I found myself going 20 over the speed limit. Oops. Didn't get caught though.

I got really bored after that because well, it's summer and you're supposed to hang out with friends during the summer. So i called Kortney up but she didn't answer. I assume she is with Davis again. So i called Heather. She was with Zack up in Lehi. *sigh* boyfriends. So now I sit here writing about how awesome go karts are. Because really, it was awesome. But kinda expensive. 30 bucks for one person for a half hour. Ouch.

Welp, goodnight world. I think more people should call me so we can hang out. Lagoon is AWESOME this time of year. And I will go on any ride.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Girls Camp and Starting Over

This week I have been roughing it up at girls camp! I'll admit, for a while I really didn't want to go. But when the time came for me to pack I found myself really excited to get away. Life is like a roller coaster and the past week or so i have been at the bottom of the ride. But I woke up monday morning happy, hyper, and ready to sleep in the dirt. Adam and Jared drove up with us so they could bring the wood up and help set up. These boys are my favorite. Things have changed a lot with Jared lately. Two years ago we really liked each other but i was a month away from turning 16. Jared Adam and I skipped mutual one day to go get pizza and then Adam's girl friend came a little later. Jared's parents got really mad at him because he took a 15 year old on a "date". Everything blew up. The ward made him feel terrible. People started spreading rumors. We stopped talking and avoided each other. But recently we have started talking a lot and hanging out. We watched the fire works at sugar house park last night with Adam and then played with sparklers. The timing just kinda sucks because he leaves for his mission on the 14th. But it was still great :)

Anyway, back to girls camp...haha
The guys helped everyone set up the tents and tarps and then us three disappeared cuz i told them about the zip line we had at the camp site. The zip line was all chained up but Adam and Jared figured out a way to rig it up so it worked any way. This camp site was sooooo much better than our old one. Timberlane was a mess. Rocky ground, bears, so much flooding. The list goes on and on. But this site was awesome! Beautiful view. Awesome hiking trails. Sooooo green.

This year i got to know the girls really well. I love getting to know people so this made me love girls camp even more. The food was amazing, like always. But my favorite part of camp has always been the snipe hunting. There is just something "magical" about scaring people out of their mind. It's weird cuz i don't see why snipe hunting is so scary. I already knew about them my first year but McCall and Noel didn't. They chased us down the hill and into our cabin and then they scratched on the door. Scared poor McCall and Noel to death. The way our ward does snipe hunting is pretty epic. The older girls go off to do "star gazing" for certification. They hide in the trees with different colored flashlights. The "white eyed" ones are safe. The "red eyed" ones are violent. and the "green eyed" ones are poisonous. They also sit and they hiss at us. I run over to one of the lights and pretend to catch one. We use the cut off hand of a teddy bear so when they pet it, it's fuzzy and you can stick your finger inside and make it move so it really freaks the girls out. Two years ago, we had a girl climb on the top of a car she got so scared. This year we only had one first year. She is the YW president's daughter and Jared's little sister. I had to use a sock for the snipe cuz i lost my teddy bear hand but it still scared her way bad. She had her back to me and wouldn't even look at us. Her mom finally said we better tell her so she would be able to sleep. Her mom dragged her over to me and made her pet it. She was whimpering and then i opened up my hand and showed her the sock and told her how they aren't real. She gave me the dirtiest look i have ever seen and she turned around and walked to her tent. Her mom started laughing and we all walked back with her. I felt really bad because she sat in her tent and started to cry. We explained about how when we were all first years we got the crap scared out of us too, and that she would be able to scare the first years next year. She felt a little better but was still mad at us. Mostly me. Whoops...:)

But i think the greatest part about girls camp thing year was the hike. They had the first hike around 11:00 am but i didnt go because i was feeling really sick. The hike was only about 20 minutes long. around 2:00 pm we had to go on the hike again and mark the trail better for a service project. I love hiking so i man-ed up and grabbed my camelbak and i was off. We split into two groups so we could get the trail done faster and we would meet up in the middle since the trail was a loop. So we hiked for about 10-15 minutes and then met up with the other group. We started hiking on the trail that we thought would lead us back to camp. After about an hour of hiking on this trail we realized it was just going straight and down and nothing looked familiar. We stopped and couldn't decide what we should do. We had no idea where to do because we had forgotten our map. One of the leaders, Crissy, said that we should say a prayer and ask for help. We said our prayer and not five seconds after we said amen we hear voices behind us on the trail. There was another ward from our stake camping by us and two of the girls came walking down the trail. When they saw us, they ran up to us and told us how they ran ahead and got separated from their group and had no idea where they were. We realized that we needed to hike back the way we came. It was really hot, and we realized we hardly had any water since we thought it would be a 20 minute hike. Then me and McCall started having a really hard time breathing since it was up hill and we had forgotten our inhalers. We made another stop and decided we needed to pray that we would all be strong enough to make it back. Right after we ended our prayer a small wind started to blow and a bunch of clouds came over and it got cool and shady. maybe an hour and a half later we got back to our camp site and we all crashed. We were all so beat but so thankful that we had made it back okay. We grabbed the map and tried to figure out where we had been. We realized we had been on a totally different trail and if we had kept going on it we would have ended up on a different mountain in the middle of no where. I love hiking, but hiking to stay alive isn't my idea of fun. I don't think i have ever had my prayers answered so quickly. This was probably one of the best girls camps i have ever been to and i know i won't ever forget how strong the power of prayer is.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Mi Dispiace. Io Non Sono Perfetto.

I wish i knew how to start this one off.
I"m not even sure what to say.
I"m so angry i could cry.
Maybe not cry but i sure do think it's time for me and Cache to go and sit on a roof and scream until we pass out.

Let me get a few thing straight here. Yeah, i liked a guy a lot. It didn't work out. I'm working on getting over it. I started liking this guy Andrew again. So for the past two months or so, we have been talking a lot. I told him one day about how I want to get married in the temple and he isn't LDS so i explained to him what that meant. All of a sudden he got really mad because i said i wanted to marry someone LDS so i could go to the temple. So after that stupid fight i told him to just leave me alone. Well, he didn't. He would call and apologize, and then a few days later he would blow up on me again about the whole temple thing. So finally i just said i was done and didn't want to deal with this any more. So i deleted his number and stopped caring. But he kept texting me things that really hurt me. It was already bad enough that i was almost over someone else but now this. What a jerk!

So for the past month and a half i've been trying to avoid him and fix things up and be friends with the other boy Dallin that i had to get over. But i found out today that he thinks all my posts on facebook have been about him. Awesome. So i'm here to say this now. No they were not about you. I don't talk bad about you so i guess it's true what they say about assuming. Andrew...goll. Go take a flying leap. I'm sorry i care about my religion enough that i have standards. Perché regna lo stupido?! Doesn't help that people have to get involved too. Don't get me wrong i love my friends. But please ask me before you butt in. I have had to deal with so much crap because Andrew's friends have decided to text me and make fun of me and make me feel terrible. Awesome. And I actually haven't told anyone about the Andrew situation because i knew people would get involved. So i'm saying this now. Do not get involved. It'll get fixed all on its own. I'm done being frustrated with these two people because apparently i cannot please everyone.

I'm going to girls camp on Monday. I wasn't excited about it at all but now i cannot wait to get away. Holy flip. So i'm sorry if you think i'm a terrible person. Or a crazy person. Or just some stupid girl who needs to get a brain. Yeah, no ones perfect so stop acting so high and mighty and making me feel bad for believing in something. I know what i want in life. So i'm going to work for it. Who cares what i feel for people any more. I'm ignoring it. If everyone could just be civil to each other that would be great. I"m trying to mend and keep the peace. But heck, i guess i'm just not good enough for you guys. So say your crap to my face. Don't go behind my back. And cut me some slack. This hasn't been the easiest couple of months for me. My friends have died. I'm struggling with seizures. I'd like to see you deal with that.And Im growing up and moving on in my life and im scared. So pardon me.

So here it is people. Mi dispiace. Io non sono perfetto. I'm sorry. I'm not perfect. Deal with it. Because im sure as heck trying to.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Ole Ole Ole Ole! Yeeeeah Buddy!

Guess what? THE WORLD CUP HAS STARTED! So i would like to take a moment and tell you about my love for futbol. Actually, I don't think words can describe my love for this game. So just imagine me screaming right now (AHHHHHHHHH!) Every time I think about soccer, or play soccer, or watch a game i feel like i want to explode with happiness. Especially when i'm watching Real Salt Lake games and Kyle Beckerman is on the field. Holy that man is a soccer god. And he's gorgeous. But soccer is just in my blood. So are a lot of other sports, but soccer just excites me. The reason i have such a hard time with my knees is cuz of my over playing of soccer in jr high. And i refused to quit playing when the doctors told me to. Therefore i have really bad knees that constantly hurt me. I can't even count the number of concussions i have gotten from soccer. I wish i was as good as i once was, but still, i love to just play. I miss being on a team. But playing the in park with friends with suffice. Goll, I don't even know what to say about soccer cuz i just want to scream and laugh and explode just thinking about it! The Worls Cup is amazing to watch. I have been waking up and 5:30 am just to watch the morning games. And can i just say that the US was soooo lucky they got a goal on England. I can't believe England's keeper let that ball bounce right off his hands and literally roll into the goal. I laughed so hard i almost cried.

Anyway, Enough of my obsession. I'd now like to speak on the topic of stupid people. Yes, i realize everyone has their stupid moments, but some people just make me wonder. I know i sure act like a stupid idiot at times but I do try to tone it down and apologize for it. These stupid people are people that i know very well. I even really like a lot of them. But they do stupid things that make me want to punch a wall. Sometimes they say things one day and then turn around and say something totally different. Yeah...not cool with me. This is why i save a lot of conversations with people so i can be sure that they did things. Or there are people who just act totally oblivious to all my feelings and people's feelings around them. They pretend like everything is copacetic (yay my favorite word!) but in reality people around them are hurting and need their help but they are so consumed in their own little perfect world that they can't see anything. I think one of the main reasons we are on this earth is to help other people and make them realize how awesome they are. When you ignore people and bring them down, how are you helping any one?

Finally, I would like to say how awesome Temple Square is. Kortney and I are trying to go there once a week. Now that it's summer, it's soooo pretty. The temple just makes me so happy and giddy and makes everything that's bringing me down go away. All the flowers are gorgeous. The people there are always smiling and saying hello to you. But just sitting by the reflection pool and looking at the temple is what takes up most of my time. If i could, i would sit there all day. I've never been the kind of person to look forward and dream about getting married. For the past couple of years, i actually have been doubting that i would ever get married. I didn't see me being a girl who would find someone to get married to. But when i look at the temple i now feel like maybe one day i really will get married. When i look at the temple i can't wait to go inside and get married to the person who will love me for me for all of eternity. How freaking awesome is that? Kortney and I spent a good six hours on monday just walking around temple square and taking pictures and talking. Everything just seemed okay when i was there. The whole time all i could think was "I love to see the temple. I'm going there some day." And yes, I do now think that someday i will go inside and get married. Obviously that wont be for quite a few years considering i'm only 17... but it's something to always look forward to. I dream about the temple a lot lately. At least when I wake up i'm feeling copacetic :)

Welp, enough of my boring pointless rambling... here are some cool pictures i've taken recently!

Reflection Pool Madness


Super cool bookmark.

Friday, June 11, 2010


Right now, things seem like they need to start going in a better direction but they refuse to. I want life to feel totally copacetic. (That's my favorite work by the way) So if anyone can help me get to the point where i feel totally copacetic, that would be great. Honestly, there is only one person that can get me to that point completely, but i can get most of the way there without them. But in the mean time, here are some quotes, sayings, jokes, or words that make me happy, smile, or giggle.

- Game, set, match = TENNIS
Set, match, run = ARSON
*Demetri Martin*

- L.A.R.P stands for Live Action Role Playing. It also means not good at sports.

- Nakatinra
*Matt Lusty*

- Just watching the world, I don't understand. It just makes more sense with my hand in your hand.

- You don't have to win anybodies heart. You just have to ask for it.

- Some feelings in this world are more than words. They're a moment to look forward to.
*Connor Giles*

- I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

- Life is sexually transmitted

- You're a jerk. But a jerk is a pull. A pull is a tug. A tug is a boat. A boat floats on water. Water is nature. And nature is beautiful. (I think this one was an indirect compliment to me, but im still not sure how i should take it or if i should take it seriously haha)

- What do you get when you cross a potato with Hitler?
A Dick-tater.
*Dallin Gomez*

- Love is a leap. Lamentably, I was never inspired to jump.
*Kate & Leopold*

- Even in the darkness can every color be found.
*Dr. Horrible's Sing-a-long Blog*

- Dare to be remarkable.

- There is more to life than increasing it's speed.

- Music impresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent.
*Victor Hugo*

- If you love something, then set it free. If it comes back, then it's meant to be. If it continues to fly, let it soar. Have faith that God has something better in store.

- Dinomania = the sudden urge to dance

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Remember when...2010

I am now graduated. What the heck?! When did I get so old? I still feel like such a little kid. I remember looking at all the seniors when i was younger thinking "Wow, I can't wait to be like them. They are so freaking cool!" But I look at myself now and don't see myself like the kids I used to look up to. And I'm kinda scared now that I don't have school in my life. What am I going to do with my life? And how am I going to do it? I finally have to grow up...but what if I don't want to?

Graduation was long and boring. No one even pulled a prank to keep us entertained. Come on people!! That dumb hat wouldn't stay on my head. Who ever decided that putting a plate on the top of your head was a good idea, is a moron. Walking up and getting my name called was interesting. There's usually three kinds of people at graduation. There are the kids who when their name gets called you hear a few claps and woo hoos, mostly from parents. Then there is the kids who when their name is called you get a little louder with the claps and a few kids yell their name out. Then there are the kids, who when their names are called, everyone claps and cheers and people scream their names. When they called my name, there were a lot of people who screamed and clapped for me and it was a lot louder than I expected. The one voice that i heard the most was of course Shaun's. I'm standing on the big green X and i hear "WOOOOO KYLEE KATE!!! GO KYLEE KATE!!! I LOVE YOU KYLEE!!" Right away i knew it was Shaun cuz, honestly, no one else is capable of being that loud. Every one laughed and i turned my usual bright red and i gave an awkward wave and walked across the stage to shake the peoples hands. As i was walking down the ramp to go back to my seat, there was Shaun. Sitting right in the front row. I shook my head at him and he yelled "WHAT UP KYLEE KATE! WHAT UP GIRL!! YEAAAAAAH!" everyone laughed and i turned even more bright red. Leave it up to Shaun. We've been friends since atleast 5th grade and he's always thought doing that to me was funny. Cuz let's face it, I'm not one who likes a ton of attention. Thank you Shaun. I know there is a reason you're my best friend...sometimes i just can't remember why haha :)

The school had the big senior graduation party that night. Started at 10:30 pm and went until 5:30 am. The party was a lot better than i thought it would be. I found out i suck at sumo suit 'swrestling. As soon as Lexie hit me with her stomach, i would just fall straight back like a retarded tree. The bungee racing was hilarious and i got some sweet rug burns from it. Soooooo much food and so little room to put it. I think that hands down, the best part of the night was the hypnotist. He had about 40 or so people in front of us. The funniest people to watch were Wyatt, Tyler and Ryan. This show went on for a really long time and no one wanted it to end. At one point, the hypnotist (Tracy) had Ryan convinced that he wanted to change his name to Shaniqua. He then had him call his mom at 4:00 am and tell her that he was changing her name. Every time he said 'Shaniqua' Ryan would give him a big smile and a thumbs up. When Ryan talked, he didn't sound at all like himself. But the best part of the night was when He had Wyatt and Ryan dance together. I don't know if i have laughed that hard before. Then they finally made him end the show so they could do the raffle. Boring. But I did win a $25 card to american eagle.!/video/video.php?v=10150183793280015&ref=mf
That's the video of them dancing. So ridiculous!

It's now summer and I wish some things were different. I wish i had a job. I wish Dallin and I would start talking more. Or atleast see each other more than once every two months... And i wish i had done more in high school. But i'm still mostly happy. Just bored and only kinda sad. But it will hopefully get better, right?
No more softball this summer. So all my days are pretty much free. I don't know what i'm going to do with myself. I thought i would be playing softball, but now i wont be. I also thought i would be hanging out with Dallin a lot. But i dont see that happening much. Maybe i just need to get a job and work all the time to keep things off my mind. Plus i will have money. I guess that is always a bonus.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

I've Got A Sick Obsession. I'm Seeing It In My Dreams!

I've realized latley that I may have a slight problem. I'm addicted to a few things. Not bad things, so don't worry. But there is a handful of things that I just can't get enough of!

I can't get enough of singing while playing my guitar or piano. And just singing in general. First of all, i just love the feeling of singing. It feels like when i sing i can just let all my frustration out. Especially when i sing as loud as i can when i'm driving in my car. It makes me feel so...alive! It feels even better when i can sing to music that i'm making.When i can play my guitar without thinking about it, and just feel my fingers going crazy all over the strings...I can't even explain it. It's one of the best feelings in the world. With piano also.

Pineapple. I don't even think i need to explain any further. It's the most amazing fruit ever grown. I ate three of them last week. Not three bowls, or plates, or cans. Three whole pineapples. My mouth is freaking out right now just thinking about it.

The boy. I don't need to explain this one. If you're my friend, you know what i'm talking about.

Seminary. Why can't every class i have be seminary? The people in my class rock. It's ridiculous. Brother Kelly is hilarious and he gives the most amazing lessons. We had our end of the year testimony meeting. First, before we had the actual testimony meeting, we played the game signs. This just proved to me even more of how awesome my class is. Everyone likes each other, everyone is hilarious, and everyone is included. The testimony meeting wasn't the most spiritual one i've been apart of, but it really made me think. It made me think about how lucky i am to have the chance to take seminary and how much i'm really going to miss it. I've always gone to seminary thinking "This is cool. Everyone here is also LDS and believes the same things i do" but i never really let that hit me. when every one was talking about how strongly they believed that the church was true, it hit me that i really wasn't alone. I've always known that i'm not alone, but i never thought about how all these people really do think the same way i do. Everything that was said, was what i was thinking. It was awesome.

Softball. The love of my life. I can never get enough. Before i get to softball, i never wanna do it. Let's face it, i'm the laziest person on the earth. I procrastinate everything. Homework, chores, working out...I suck pretty much. But once i get playing the game, i don't want to stop. I wish the games were longer and that there was more of them. this is the reason that i'm trying out for the summer league. So hopefully i can get my lazy butt into gear and kill at softball!

Movies. I love movies. I love watching movies, and i love making movies. Watching movies is probably my favorite though. Like i said, i'm lazy. Whats better than sitting on your butt and watching someting entertaining? You can just chill, relax, and get comfortable. and watching the movie with people is even better. you get hilarious commentary and you're not the only one laughing so you don't feel like an idiot laughing in an empty room. But i have to say, scary movies are the best kind.

Those are the main things that are on my mind for the most part. sometimes, they're all i can think about! I love it. but i have a hard time focusing on school...could be a problem. Oh well!

** No updates for the bucket list. Still the same cute little list as last time.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Change Your Mind...Let Go Too Soon

I really need to learn to speak up sometimes. But I'm not the kind of person that confronts people about things. I want to...but i feel like it's easier to just sit back and let it run it's course. The problem with this is that I end up getting hurt and not getting what I really need. Right now, I'm stuck in a situation where i really need to speak my mind and let someone know what is going on inside my head. But I'm not sure how to say what I need to. Actually...That's a lie. I know exactly what I need to say. I'm just too scared to say it. And if you think about it logically, it's really not that difficult. I play situations over in my head and think about what to say and how to say it. I'm not sure if that's normal..but then again, when have I ever been normal? I think the part I am scared of the most is not what i say, but what the other person will say. I can't plan that part out. But i have never been the kind of person to say how i feel. I don't let people know how i feel. And because of that, people think of me as this emotional rock. I can't be hurt or offended. And that is partly true. I'm not easily offended or hurt, but I'm more sensitive than i let people know. Just because i don't cry in front of people doesn't mean i don't cry at all. And i only let people i trust see me cry. The last person i cried in front of was the person that I need to say something to. Usually, i just stand there and pretend like nothing is bothering me and don't speak at all. I have had way to many chances to tell this person what is going on with my feelings and what I'm thinking about, but I pass it up every time because i think that if i say what i need to say, they will feel bad when they shouldn't. I'm also torn because i don't know what i should do. All of my friends are telling me "Drop them. They're a tool. They're lying. Making up excuses. They don't care about you at all any more." I really don't believe any of that but sometimes it kills me because part of me wants to beleive it. It would give me a reason for the way they are acting. I can't think straight about this. I worry about it constantly because right now, the only thing i want is a clear straight forward explaination. The first thing I need to say to them is:

-I miss you. I miss you probably more than I should. If it was up to me, I would see you every day. But right now, it feels like you don't want to see me at all. Even though you said you do want to. I make the effort, but end up being disappointed. I miss talking to you about the most random and pointless things but still just being happy because I'm talking to you. Again, it feels like you don't want to talk to me. We went from talking almost every day to talking maybe once a week. All that changed in less than a month. Why? There used to be time for me in your life. I feel like i'm just fading away...

-I like you. A lot. Okay? I know we never said that out loud and just assumed it, but it feels a lot better to just say it. I ended up liking you a lot more than i planned. And took time for me to like you. Over time i started falling. Every little thing you said or did just pulled me further, I didn't mind. And it felt like every day you found a new way to amaze me. I couldn't believe how incredibly good you were. I still can't. I know you're not perfect, but you're the perfect you. And it's all about seeing an imperfect person perfectly. And i think I'm to that point. And I don't think i have ever met someone who has seemed so perfect for me. It's kind of ridiculous actually. I was totally comfortable with you. I could talk with you about anything. Everything was so easy, and now it's gotten really difficult.

-I'm just so confused. You say things that throw my mind for a loop now. Every time we talk it's something new. But i do my best to understand because i know that what you're doing is what you think is right. And i'm not saying it's wrong, I just wish i knew everything that was going on in your head. I've always been really good at reading people. But with you...I can't see anything! It's kind of frustrating. I hate having everyone come to me with their problems and being able to fix them but when it comes to my own problems, i'm at a total loss. I want a straight forward honest explaination. I want you to prove all of my friends wrong. But then again, if i do get my explaination, maybe you will just prove them right and prove me to be an idiot who fell when she shouldn't have. Who trusted when she shouldn't have. Who let her guard down, for the first time in almost two years, when she should have been smarter.

I know i probably need to say these things, but I know I probably won't. Ever. I'm just not like that. I don't want to get in the way. If, for some reason, this person i'm talking about is reading this, i'm sure you know who you are. But it's not very likely they will ever see this post so in a way i guess i don't need to worry. Everything is easier for me to say when i write it down. I don't know what to do. My head hurts. My heart hurts. It skips a beat every time i see your name on my phone or hear someone even mention you. This isn't like me at all. I have liked people before, but nothing like this. I don't get twitterpatted and I don't like sitting and thinking about all the times i have spent with someone. I don't like having my mind so full that it feels like it's going to explode. I don't like over anylyzing everything you do or say. I didn't at first. But now i can't help it. Even though i never do any of that... all of a sudden, I am. I love thinking about all the times we have just hung out and laughed and talked. It makes me happy, but at the same time it just makes my heart ache. It's kind of scaring me. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm in totally new territory here. I have no map. So i just have to sit here and hope someone walks by and offers to help me...

"Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley
Well said Bob...well said.

Oh, and there have been some new additions to the Summer '10 Bucket List! *

-Soap up the three fountains
-Go on a date to Lagoon (always though that would be the best date)
-Get a kiss in the rain (not just any random kiss. a meaningful one)
-Go skydiving
-Visit (bodacious!) Brad in Arizona
-Read the Book of Mormon all the way through again
-Walk on the beach in the moonlight
-Have a "paint my house" party
-Work and save up my money
-Be nicer to my sisters and brother
-Appreciate my parents more
-Play for All Stars
-Go on a date to temple square
-Make a few awesome music videos
-Learn to do some legit tricks on the trampoline like Joseph and his brother
*Have the biggest bonfire EVER
*Go boating. Possibly try water skiing, but for sure go tubing.
*Go camping a ridiculous amount of times. (real camping. Tents and fires and sleeping bags. none of that cabin or trailer crap.)
*Have a paint fight

Friday, May 7, 2010

It's official. The "bucket lists" are being made!

Summer defined by the dictionary : the period of finest development, perfection, or beauty previous to any decline

Every summer, Lindsley and I write our SUMMER BUCKET lists. It's basically a list of the things that we want to get done before our summer "kicks the bucket". But every summer, we write a few things down, get only a few of them done, and then forget about the whole thing until we find our lists around the time that school starts. It's always disappointing. This is the summer after senior year. The summer before college. This is OUR summer. So, our goal is to have the lists written before school ends and then all through the summer, we will be helping each other check things off! Keep in mind, this list has no profound meaning. Some of these things...okay A LOT of these things are just plain silly and will most likely not happen. But that's the fun. It may be ridiculous, but its something to work for, laugh at, and smile about.
So far, this is what my Summer Bucket List looks like:

-Soap up the three fountains
-Go on a date to Lagoon (always though that would be the best date)
-Get a kiss in the rain (not just any random kiss. a meaningful one)
-Go skydiving
-Visit (bodacious!) Brad in Arizona
-Read the Book of Mormon all the way through again
-Walk on the beach in the moonlight
-Have a paint my house party
-Work and save up my money
-Be nicer to my sisters and brother
-Appreciate my parents more
-Play for All Stars
-Go on a date to temple square
-Make a few awesome music videos
-Learn to do some legit tricks on the trampoline like Joseph and his brother

Sunday, May 2, 2010

How You Doin'?

I was sitting with my friend the other night and we started listing all of our favorite pickup lines. Later, I found a group on facebook called "I love Mormon pickup lines". Here are some of our favorite from the group and from the list we made our selves.
The ones with the ** are my FAVORITE ones and made me laugh so hard i cried.

Do you know what it's like to hold the priesthood?...Do you want to? (hug) **

You remind me of the fruit in Lehi's dream. Most precious above all!

Haven't we met in the pre-existence?

You don't sweat much for a Utah girl. **

So, what are you doing for the rest of eternity?

Dearest Darling...after much deliberation, and significant consideration, I have half the inclination to make you my relation. So if you'll meet me at the station, with the bishop's cooperation, we will form a combination that will increase the population.

Last night I was looking at the stars, and for every one I saw I thought of something that I love about you... but soon I ran out of stars.

If you were words on a page, you would be what they call FINE PRINT!

I knew i'd feel the spirit at EFY, but i didn't think i'd see an angel!

Can I see your tag? Oh, I thought so...made in heaven **

Were you eating lucky charms this morning? cause you look magically delicious

Do you have a boyfriend?
Oh, you do? Well, when you want a MANfriend, come talk to me!

So did you hear about Pluto? Yeah, thats messed up.. -- Pysch **

Hey i lost my teddy bear can i cuddle with you instead?

I think i've seen your picture before. oh that's right, it was in the the dictionary next to KABLAM! --Fresh Princh of Bel-Aire **

What's ur favorite temple? I'm lookin' at mine

--My all time favorite...


Thursday, April 22, 2010

Perfectly at Home

Last week was one of the toughest weeks that i have had in a very long time. On Monday, April 12, My sister's best friend Kaitlyn passed away after a long fight with cancer. Kaitlyn and my sister McKenzie have been friends since 7th grade. Over the past couple of years, she has become like a sister to me. Her, McKenzie and Z were always together and spent a lot of time at my house so i got to know her very well. She told me all about her cancer and how she planned to just live her life the best she could. She loved to dance, and cheer, and just be a dorky teenage girl. But she had a taste for life that i found amazing. No matter what life threw at her, she caught it and threw it right back. She could handle anything. Some of the stories she told me would make me so angry and make me cry, and she would always tell me that it was okay and that it didn't matter. What made me the most angry would be when the boys at her school would make fun of her for the way she talked. She had her tongue removed because of the cancer and part of her stomach was taken and put in place of her tongue. But she still had a bit of a slurr sound when she talked. She was one of the funniest and strongest girls i've ever met. During the week, when we weren't crying, we would sit and tell all of the funny stories we had about her. Here are a few...

She had to take Ambien in order to fall asleep at night. Im not sure why but she would go crazy on this drug. She was loopy out of her mind and it was very entertaining. One night, her, Kenzie and Z were having a sleep over. Kaitlyn decided to call me at 2 in the morning while on Ambien. She felt like everything was moving and that she was on a boat. I answered the phone and heard her say "KYLEE!! Guess what? I'm on a boat. Yeah. I'm on a boat!!!" and then she hung up. I was totally confused but almost died from laughing.

Another night when her and Kenzie were having a sleep over, she decided to see how her Ambien would effect Kenzie. So she cut one of her pills in half and dropped it in a can of coke. Then she added s little benadryl to finish it off. She gave the coke to Kenzie and very soon Kenzie was out cold. So of course, Kaitlyn drew all over her face and took pictures. yes, Kaitlyn drugged my sister for entertainment haha.

One of the last time i hung out with Kate was a few months ago. She called me up because she needed a ride to go and buy a new ipod. I picked her and my sister up and we drove to walmart. But we ended up driving to four different stores because non of the stores had a PURPLE ipod. Every time one of the worker told her that
they were out of purple nano ipods, she'd sigh and say "Well, on to the next destination!" Finally, an hour and a half later, we found one at best buy.

Two weeks before she passed away, she was in New York City for a drill competition. She ended up having a seizure while in her hotel room and ended up in the hospital. A few hours later my sister got a hold of her mom who was at the hospital with her. Kaitlyn's mom was telling my sister about how they tried to give her an MRI but she wouldn't sit still so they had to cancel the test. While she was telling the story, you could hear Kate yelling in the background "I was sitting still! The nurse was being a jerk! Shut up mom! Stop telling them lies! i was being a good little patient!"

While she was in New York, she was able to perform her solo dance to the song "Hey Soul Sister" by Train. She got a standing ovation.

The last thing i ever said to Kaitlyn was over She was having a really bad day and just asked for everyone to tell her that everything would be okay because she knew that if everyone could keep a positive attitude, she could too. I told her how amazing i thought she was and that everything would be okay. I also told her that she knows im always here for her and she can call me anytime she ever needed anything. The last thing she said to me was "Thank you. I love you! Always!" That was the day before she was rushed to the hospital. And four days before she passed away.

I'm writing a song right now. I've never written anything for the guitar before, so i'm going to do it for her. "She's perfectly at home. She's dancing among the clouds. She is looking down at all our faces, she is our guardian angel now..."

Kaitlyn at homecoming

Kaitlyn back in jr. high

Kate and her little sister Shannon

Kaitlyn Mariah Adams <3

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Holi Festival of Colors 2010

In India, Holi announces the arrival of spring and the passing of winter. The festival breathes an atmosphere of social merriment. People bury their hatchets with a warm embrace and throw their worries to the wind. Every nook and corner presents a colorful sight. Young and old alike are covered with colors. People are seen singing, dancing and throwing colors on each other. Sara, Gabby and I went to this festival on saturday. It was epic to say the least.

After walking about five miles to the Sri Sri Radha Krishna Temple, i was already pretty covered in pink and yellow color from people passing by. We got there around 5:40 so sadly we missed the throwing of the colors, but there was still plenty of people throwing them around. Everything was covered in colored dust. Music was blaring and people were dancing. I haven't had that much fun in a very long time. I felt like i was going to explode from happiness. I was already in a good mood because i had been hanging out with Dallin all day, but this whole thing just got me pumped.

Monday, March 15, 2010

You'll Always Be My Best Friend

I wish I knew you
Way back when
Before you were part of my plans
I think that we would have been friends

There's only time to live our lives
And you'll be the one who's by my side
And I can promise you then
You'll always be my best friend

Till the end when we part
I will give you my heart
And I'll promise to love you with all that it is
And I'll promise to be there whenever you need me
Because you'll always be my best friend

I hate this feeling. This stupid feeling of loss, depression and hopelessness. I don't want to sit and constantly write about how sad i am, but it's all i can think about right now. Last Wednesday my friend Dylan texted me. he told me he was leaving for a tournament in Arizona that night and he might not be coming back. They had to win their games so they could earn a spot in nationals. (he's on a aaa hockey team)As soon as i read that text i felt sick. This guy has become my best friend. I've spent almost every day since September with him. And Wednesday might be the last time i ever see him because if they lose, they all go home. And he lives in Nashville. Over the past couple months i had been writing a letter that i would give him when he left. But i guess i never thought that he would actually leave. So i skipped my last two classes and sat in my car and finished writing him the letter. When i finished it i realized that over the past two months, i had written him a 7 page letter, double sided. I can't help but think that it's a bit over excessive but i don't know what else to do. This guy is my best friend. I love him. And he was leaving. I went over to his house after school and we just sat and watched tv for about an hour. But of course, i had to leave to go to the doctors, so it was time to say goodbye to, what if felt like, was the only person who really listened to me and liked me for me. He gave me one of his long hugs and i stood there fighting the urge to cry and wishing he'd never let go. But he did. and he told me to keep in touch and hugged me again. i got into my car and drove away. Then it really hit me. That what probably the last time i'd ever get to see him again. I started bawling. I swear i could just feel my heart drop and i felt sick. An hour later i got to the hospital and i was still crying but trying to control it. But by that time,my eyes were all red and swollen and it was pretty obvious that i had been crying. So naturally, everyone who talks to me asks me what is wrong which just makes me break down again. I really don't know how i made it through that day. I was a mess.

I've never really been on this side of losing a friend. I've always been the one that moves away. It's a lot easier when you're the one leaving and not being the one left. But i still had a little bit of hope. His team had an eight game winning streak. They could still pull through and win this tournament and get a spot to play in the nationals. They lost their first game but won the other two. So all they had to do was win their game on Sunday, and they'd have a spot in nationals and be able to come back to Utah for about two weeks or so. I spent so much of that week on my knees praying so hard that his team would win. I wished on everything. 11:11, train tracks, wishing wells, shooting stars, everything. I needed more time. The goodbye i gave wasn't good enough. I needed a better one. I just needed to see him again. But monday morning i find out they lost. 2-1. It's over. And he's gone. My best friend, the one i trusted with everything. He's going to home halfway across the country. And now i feel all alone. I told him he could read my letter now because he wasn't coming back. The letter started out by saying how much i loved him and how saying goodbye to him was going to be one of the hardest things i've ever done. I told him about my favorite times with him. All the dorky things he did that i loved. How he drove me crazy at times, but in the end i didn't care.

But now he's on his way home. And i'm stuck here wishing i had given a better goodbye. Wishing that by some freaking miracle i will get to see him again. But at this point, i think the only time i will ever see him again is when he's an amazing NHL goalie. And i'm scared that he will just forget about me and i'll just become a memory. It's crazy how much i miss the little things already. Like how every night he'd text me and say "Goodnight bff" and how he always knew how to cheer me up. I don't know what to do but i guess i'll figure it out eventually. I just miss him.