Wednesday, September 23, 2009
"Dreaming of an Angel"
It's hard enough not knowing
What he thinks and how he feels
My heart beats faster than i can think
Could this dream of mine be real?
He starts out with that smile
Oh how that smile just makes me weak
As he sits down next to me
I lose the ability to speak
He's the answer to my prayers
So i quickly say "amen"
I can't sit here in silence
And watch him pass by again
His smile, so bright
His eyes, so deep
One glimpse of them
Makes me heart leap
Not sure if i should do this
Will he catch me if i fall?
Should i put my heart out on my sleeves
And simply risk it all?
But i already feel myself falling
I speed up i can't slow down
I stare into his deep green eyes
And i feel my head spin 'round
Now he leans in closer
And then so do i
For a brief and glorious moment
His perfect lips touch mine
My eyes can see the sparks
And then my heart takes wings
Everything in life seems calm
I love this joy he brings
But then i wake up with a start
Not filled with his joy
But with a broken heart
It was all a dream
Now i just long for him more
Will i ever get this angel
That i can't help but adore?
Friday, September 4, 2009
I have some pretty awesome classes this year though. This year is going to be pretty easy so I'm excited to just relax. On A days i have -Early morning jazz band. Spartan Vision. Government. Seminary. and Ap Music Theory. On B days i have -Early morning jazz band. Adult Roles. Weight Lifting. Concert Band. SLCC CIS 1020. Spartan Vision is turning out to be my favorite class but i kinda knew that it would. All we do is make videos turn them in and do the news. And the people in there are hilarious. But most of my other classes i just don't have any one to talk to. Like weight lifting. I could talk to that Conor guy but the fact that I'm a total pansy is kinda getting in the way. And he doesn't really talk much either. Welp i guess I'm screwed haha. I miss every one over at Tville but i do love Murray.
Homecoming... is in two weeks. Ugg. I hate waiting to see if I'll ever get asked. I've only been asked to one dance and that was Jr. Prom last year. And the dude didn't even go to my school, he went to Tville! And he turned into a total jerk two weeks after prom any way. Pretty much just don't let other schools SBO's hit on you in seminary and ask you to prom. It doesn't work out too well especially if he is a jerk and makes out with people on buses... but getting asked to Homecoming would rock since i have never been. but not getting asked isn't the end of the world. I can just hang out with the other people who didn't go.
Summer was fun this year though. Had some great times. Broke my face when i got hit with a softball. Then two weeks later i was running through Brett's house and her brother had closed the glass door and yeah... i ran right into that sucker. Bounced off it pretty well too since i was booking it into her house. Cameron and Andrew just about died laughing of course. Can you say re-broken nose? I'm a moron. I showed Christelle Katie Trevor and Ben SHOOT THE TUBE also. haha We were on a dumpster lid going down. Two people were trying to walk up it at the same time and we took them out. HARD. Then we hear some one yell "OH SHIII*!" and we see a drunk guy running as fast as he can trying to get our of our way. He had two beers in his hands and we wrecked him pretty hard also. I just about died laughing that day.
I just hope i can take some chances this year.
Last year of high school needs to be epic. And i want to do as many crazy things as i can. Last night for example, we got a KFC bucket and filled it up with slurpee from 7-11 then had a contest to see who could drink it with out stopping for the longest time. My brain hurt the rest of the night. Is it possible to get a permanent brain freeze? I sure hope not.
Friday, July 17, 2009
I found that definition really interesting. Summer really is when we, in a way, find our selves. And when we find our selves, that is when we are in our finest development. We find ourselves in many different ways. So far this summer of 2009, i have really seen how much of a pansy i can be. And that i allow too many people to walk all over me. As most of you probably know, i'm into horror movies. I think the work obsessed is a bit strong, but it's close to that. I don't think that there is a horror movie out there that i can't watch. (unless it has to deal with clowns *shudder*, but thats a different story for a different time) I've spent a good portion of my summers watching scary movies, and going on scary adventures. A lot of people can't as much fear and horror as i can. But i know that these things that i watch aren't REAL. It's whats REAL is what truly scares me. Meeting new people has always been a challenge for me. I can be really shy and can have a hard shell to crack at some points in my life. I blame the fact that i've moved sixteen times in my life. But i try to push my self past that REAL fear and make friends where ever i go. Luckily, i can control that fear. The REAL fear that i can't seem to get over at any time is the fear of the boy i like. Once i get to know people, i feel more comfortable talking. But for some reason i have a really hard time being out going with the boy i like. Main reason? I feel like a DORK. Because? I am a DORK. But i can't find any logical reason as to why it's so hard for me to talk around him. I honestly stutter and screw up all my words. We have a lot of the same interests. We both like baseball, and we both play it(softball for me). We both are Utah Ute fans (very important.)Both like to play ultimate frisbee. But no matter what, i'm the worlds biggest pansy. Really found that part of myself this summer.
One thing that kinda hit me hard this summer, was the death of my favorite artist. Michael Jackson. He's been my favorite ever since i was little. His music is amazing. He was so incredibly talented. He went through so much in his life but still managed to stay a good and humble man. I can honestly say that watching his funeral, yes it was a bit over exaggerated, but i cried. He is the king of pop and i doubt that any one will be able to reach his level.
Summer really does feel like perfection at times. It's so warm. No school. Freedom. And all of your friends. I've still got some plans that i need to accomplish. Me and Lindsley made our own summer buckets lists and we're supposed to help each other finish them off. At first i thought it was a stupid idea, but now that we've crossed some things off, its actually really fun. It makes me get up and do things haha.
SUMMER BUCKET LIST: ( so far )
Go camping x
Tell the guy i like, that i like him
Shoot the tube x
Go to california
Learn a new song on guitar x
Make new friends x
Go running at least once a week x
Save up as much money as i can
Soap up three fountains
See Transformers opening night x
See Harry Potter opening night FAIL
Go to Lagoon at least once
Convince my parents that i need a new phone
Learn to rip stick x
Thursday, April 23, 2009
That week happened to be my spring break. Naturally, everyone went on vacation but me. So all i had to do was sit in my house, rid my rip stick, and play video games. Not my idea of a spring break. Taylorsville was still in school though. Christelle called me up tuesday and asked if i wanted to go to school with her on wednesday. I thought it over, and yes i did realize that going to school over spring break would make me the biggest dork alive, but i said yes. After all, i hadn't seen my T-ville friends in what had seemed like forever. So she picked me up the next morning and i went to all of her classes. None of the teachers minded, and her english teacher actually thought i was a girl named Melissa for half of the class. Christelle's last class of the day was seminary. What a great way to end your day. Honestly. So we walked over to the building and talked to friends and her teacher Bro. Colman. He asked if i was friends with the boy sitting in front of me and i said no, and Bro Colman said should be and the boy in front of me agreed and introduced himself as Colton. He was the senior vice there at Tville. So i smiled at him, told him my name and tried not to let my face turn the red color that it often does. Then every one got quiet and listened to the devotional and i sat there and tried not to feel awkward. For the opening hymn we sang "Nearer my God to Thee" and after we finished singing, the boy sitting in front of me turned around and said "Wow, you have a really pretty voice. Christelle brought and angel to class today." then turned back around. I was a bit shocked. First of all, i thought i was singing quiet enough so that no one could really hear me like usual, and second... i really had no idea who this boy was. All i knew was that his name was Colton and he was pretty cute. So naturally i just blushed, and said a quiet thank you. Later in the lesson, Bro Colman was teaching us about how there are angels all around us and are there to help and comfort us at all times. Again this boy turns around and says "Yeah, there is an angel sitting right behind me." I laugh, blush and look down at my desk smiling. Chrsitelle was sitting next to me and he looks at me then over at her and she just laughs and says "Oh my gosh..."
Later in the class we start talking a little bit and we realize i go to school with two guys that are in his ward. After class Chrsitelle Colton and I walk to the school and talk a bit but then go our own ways. Never thinking i would see this guy ever again. But then i go to school again on friday and see him in seminary. We talk a bit but not much. Then me and Christelle decide to go to the soccer game and of course he is there also so we talk for a little before i leave for work. The next day i had state jazz competition. I talked to Chad, one of the guys that is in Colton's ward and we talk a little but then i left for work. Later that night while at work i get a text from Chad asking me if i still hadn't been asked to prom. I tell him i haven't been asked and he said "Ok, good. someone you and i both know *hint hint* is going to ask you." Me being exhausted and not being able to put the pieces together says oh ok, thinking it was his brother Nate who was going to ask me. Then i get a text from my mom asking if i know a guy named Colton Harton. I think about it and it sounded familiar but i wasn't sure. Then Chad texts me and says "Yee yuh! told you you would get asked!" at that moment it clicked. Me Christelle and Trevor rush over to my house and see the stuff on my porch. I had to see this for myself, cuz honestly, i didn't believe a boy i had met just three days ago at Taylorsville would ask me to my prom. But...he did?
The hardest part about answering him back was that the next day, he was leaving to Seattle for choir tour. So i wrote a poem, bought some candy and glow in the dark stars and sent them with Christelle to see if she could decorate his hotel room. She never did get the chance...I get a text from him a few days later saying that Chad told him i was going to say yes and what color my dress was. So friday, the day before the dance i pick up Chad Kortney and Taylor and we go over to Colton's house to decorate his room because a fun answer is always..well...fun. Chad told me he wasn't home so we go up to the door and ring the door bell. No one answers so we start to walk away. Then of course some one answers the door. We turn around and just my luck...Colton was the one who answers the door. Immediatly i felt my face go *woosh!* red. I explain what we were doing and we just laugh and say oh boy... so i give him the candy, he gives me and hug and we say alright uh...see ya at prom!
I wake up extremely nervous. He'll be here at nine. I get ready and hope i look okay. To pass the time, i go outside and ride around on the rip stick. He finally gets there and i hop in his car. Suprisingly, i'm able to talk and refrain my self from shaking too bad haha. For the day activity we went to an indoor rock wall. On the way there we got a little lost, missed our exit, and almost died haha. But finally we get there and rock climb for an hour and a half or so with everyone else in our group.(Chad - Erowynn, Jake - Mikeala, Jeff- Alexa) The entire time i'm trying to refrain from letting out thats what she said jokes but it gets hard after a while. (thats what she said.) Luckily Colton tells me not to worry, those fly out of his mouth a lot too. So i feel a bit better since every one starts laughing that sometimes neither one of us can control our filters at times. We all get a bit tired and decide its time for lunch. Colton decides he doesn't like the idea of Subway, but says there is a really good sandwich place down town. So we all agree and they follow us down there. But Chad gets lost cuz he can't keep up and Jake is a slow driver so we almost lose him. We get our food and it was pretty dang good. For jr. prom at Murray, we do a promanade down the capital stairs. Chad failed to mention this littel detail to Colton. So he's a bit suprised and gets a little nervous and i just laugh. As long as you walk and don't trip, we'll be fine. I can tell that Colton looked a little exhausted and so did every one else so we decide to go home and get ready. During our drive all morning we had been talking and telling stories and listening to music. He was pretty shocked by the fact that when he tld his stories, i basically knew every person he was talking about. After all, i did grow up with all of these people. So he drops me off, makes fun of the U of U flag above my front door and tells me what time he's pick me up. Luckily, Brett and I are pretty much the same size so i was able to borrow a dress from her instead of spending 300 bucks on something i would wear once. But just my luck, its a really slimming dress and my soccer shorts don't fit well under it.
He knocks on the door and my little brother rushes over and invites him in. Again, im nervous. Mikeala and Alexa had texted me earlier and asked if i was ok because i looked really nervous all morning. But this time was a bit worried cuz i had to put on his booteneer. I have never done one before. Last dance, Peter's mom had done it for me. I pick up the flower and do my best. To his and mine suprise, im pro at it. Got it on first try. While my mom is taking her pictures and we talk for a little bit, my dad is standing in the hall way back in the shadows with his arms folded. Of course. As we go to walk out the door the only thing he says is "Home by midnight." and Colton replies with a "Yess sir." When we get out of the house he asks if i really have to be home by 12 an account that the dance ends at 11. I tell him no, that my mom had said i had no curfew, but Colton was still a bit worried. I guess my dad can be a little intimidating.
For dinner, we all meet at Chad's house and Brianna and Brandon join the party. Chad's parents set up this awesome Italian resturant setting. Food was amazing and desert was awesome. We ate, and talked and got to know each other. Every one pretty much knew each other fairly well except for Colton but every one thought he was hilarious and loved talking to him.
After dinner we all get in the cars and head up to the capital. Colton has his ipod playing and again he's shocked. But this time by the fact that i know almost every artist on his ipod. What can i say, music is my life. i listen to alot. So again we start talking. This this about music and seeing what songs we like and the differant types we like. We get to the capital and get in line for pictures and start singing various songs from Grease, cuz really, who doesn't like Grease? But of course right as they get to us they shut off the camera cuz its time for the oh so fun PROMANADE. dun dun dun. We line up, walk down the stairs, he gives me my rose then we stand around for an hour waiting for every one else to finish so the music can go back on. FINALLY every one is done and the music turns back on and we can "get crazy" like Colton says haha. We dance around for a little bit and then decide we should probably get our pictures. We had been talking all night what we should do in our picture but neither one of us will decide. So as we get up to our turn i say "What if i just jump on your back?" he laughs and asks if thats possible in a dress. For me, of course. haha.
I've never been much of a dancer. I love music that has a good dancing beat but i guess you could say i dont really know how to dance. Maybe just all the other dances i have been to, my date hasn't been that great of a dancer at the time so i just chilled around. But Colton of course, turns out to be a great dancer. And he's just fun to dance with. He's got some moves, thats for sure. For example his little' 'drop the car keys' just about made me die laughing. The very last song they play was the theme song and the only slow song we heard that night. I've never much liked slow dancing. I find it boring, and a little awkward especially when no one talks. But luckily he talks. And he spins and dips me which makes it A LOT less boring and quite interesting as i try not to fall over haha. So sadly, the dance ends and we all head out.
For our night activity we go over to Chad's house again to play games since it was too cold and wet to have the bon fire. sad day. We all change and play apples to apples till about 2 in the morning. Some how poker get brought up and we suggest we should play that but Chad says no. Then me and Colton, jokingly, insist we play strip poker and take off our jackets. Every one laughs but Chad...
He drops me off and again asks if he's going to be okay dropping me off so late. I try to tell him that it's fine but he didnt seem too convinced. He walks me to my door and gives me a hug and says we need to hang out soon. (and yes i did melt just a little bit when he gave me a hug) I open the door to go inside and i head down stairs. I take about three steps and i hear my dad say "Have fun? Get a hug? Is he still out side?" i just laugh and go to bed. He's a bit into the whole scaring every guy who comes over.
So basically jr. prom was the most fun i think i have had in a very long time. I went to bed extremely happy but also a bit sad cuz really, i didn't want that to end. Who could have guessed that this boy i barely knew would take me to prom, and that i would have so much fun?
Monday, March 16, 2009
But I feel like i'm going crazy. It's warm and beautiful out side!
I'm so glad it's starting to get like this.
Winter was not a great time for me.
But spring brings back everything that i love.
Soccer, softball, sunshine, warmer nights, the stars :)
I want this spring to be a new start for me.
-Dont procrastinate. Get the job done.
-Dont dwell on the past. It just makes it hurt more.
-Smile and look on the bright side of life.
-Dont wish for things i once had. Take advantage of what i have at the moment.
-Learn to ride my rip-stick
I'm promising my self and every one else that by the end of the summer, i will have accomplished all of these.
I feel like i need to apologize to some of my friends.
I haven't been that great of a friend lately. I've been selfish and only thinking of my self and my problems it seems like. I have caused un-needed drama and caused problems that should have never even started. I'm trying to fix these things right now. And i promise i will. I'm going to stand strong, and this time, no more hiding behind some silly song. I'm fixing this for good. I've taken advantage of your friendship and leaned on you guys too much. Complained too much. I gotta learn to stand on my own two feet. I never thought something like this would hit me so hard when im only sixteen, but it did.
Spring break is coming up!
very excited for that. But as soon as spring break comes, that means tour is right around the corner! I can't wait to go to NY city. Not only because it's NY, but because i see it as an escape. No school, no job, just me having fun. Even though i dont have my best friends going with me this year, i'm sure it will be great. I want to spend the whole time not thinking about Utah.
2 and a half months left of school. This thrills me! you have no idea.
Me and Christelle are going to go on a road trip. Live in her car. I love her so much. She's my best friend. I hope she knows that. Without her, i wouldnt be the same. I cant think of one time where she hasnt been there for me, backing me up, and making me laugh. If i can just be somewhat like her, i know im on the right track to where ever i need to go. Ever since 9th grade we have been best friends. Thats when our whole Manilla thing kicked into gear. I find it hilarious that that has stuck around for so long. Even her parents just call me Manilla. I think they knew me as that before they knew me as Kylee. Yesteday was not a good day for me, and her being Christelle could instantly see that. As soon as she ran over and gave me a hug i remember thinking " Thank you God for my best friend" and about 5 minutes later i hear her from the kitchen yell "Dont talk to me" and her come out smiling at me. I couldnt help but laugh. Only Christelle. Only Christelle. I'm only going to be able to survive these next few weeks if she is there with me. and of course if Eric is with me haha. I almost look forward to this next week, just to see how things play out.
I cant be unhappy forever, so why not stop now?
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Dont really get "ready" for the day.
Dragging my feet around feeling very sorry for my self.
I'll even admit i've cried myself to sleep a time or two.
I'm not gonna exactly say why, but i need to realize that my world cant revolve around a guy.
It just doesnt work out.
I used all my strength on him and i need to re-energize.
Sorry if i've flaked out on you guys in the past month.
I know i have been pretty rude to some, and i feel terrible.
I've had alot of things on my mind and im still not sure how to fix them.
But im determined to force myself to smile.
Life is too short to be a mope.
I'm sure some of you realize how i feel.
A broken heart is not an easy thing to deal with.
So, please, be patient with me.
I'm still learning.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
There are two sides I see. Two main feelings I feel. Betrayal and Adoration. They are completely different. They do not "crash" or "collide". But I breathe them in more and more with each breath I take. Love is so different, unique, amazing. Not many people see love in the exact way as some one else might. It can mean anything to any one.
Love can be:
It has so many emotional meanings to it. but also, so many tricks, scams, and mistakes. So, why do we fall for it? The answer? to grow, to learn, to live. Love has left me in a situation where there is absolutely no room for tricks, scams, or mistakes. I am deeply hurt, yet wonderfully happy. I am confused, yet everything is so vividly clear. I am not willing to give in, yet I have already surrendered. I want to let go. I want to jump...so what am I waiting for? I suppose its fear. I feel the need for guidance at this point in my life. It is hard to trust the ones I don't already, and i feel like i don't trust enough people. Its hard for me to trust people. I don't know if I'll be able to hold my heart in two any longer. But no one knows. So I might as well jump. I can take a chance. But there are still 2 standing conflicts:
1- I am hurt. I feel betrayed. I feel like what I had to give, was just not enough. I felt as if everything was a long dream. But I was soon proven wrong. Love can be a deception when not used with care. Especially when it is taken for granted. You expect so much, but after all the constant smiles and laughter, I recieved so little. I only ask for honesty, realness, and respect. No more. Is that to much to ask for? Apparently it was.
2- I feel weak in the knees. My heart throbs uncontrollably. My lungs feel like they could burst. My smile never whithers away. My whole insides just feel like they could fly away. It is a feeling of perfection. A feeling of hope & faith. It's a feeling i'm not totally sure i have ever felt before. I have given, & recieved just as much...at times, more. I have a feeling of safeness..peace. I absolutley love this. Every second, every minute, and every hour of it. Life moves at the speed of the heart. I'm letting go of fear & uneasiness.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Looking back through 2008 has really made me think. I didn't take in to account how truly great my friends are. I've always known they were amazing, but looking back i see everything they have really done for me. Like Christelle for example. She's never not been there for me. She tells me the truth and is forward about it so i dont have to guess on any thing. She pretty much the reason i have my job. (Which i have to say, is the best job in the world right now. The people there freaking rock. And they've helped me live my life) Celeste...wow. There is just too much to say about her. She's always there too. It's crazy because we have become such close friends in a pretty short time. She makes me always feel good about my self. The comments she gives me just makes my day. They range from "Kylee, you kick face" all the way to "You're just plain amazing." Aubrey, holy crap. She is just my hero. Her jokes, her funny faces, everything about her just makes me laugh! She's one of the funniest people i know! Kort and Shan and Sara...if it wasn't for them, i wouldn't be at Murray any more. Greg...he's a funny guy for sure. We just recently started talking maybe a few months ago but we've really gotten to know each other. He's always there when i just need some one to talk to, he lets me vent. And he's always there offering to give me a ride home when im stuck. haha. which is often.
My junior year is almost over. AH! that makes me happy.
Half way through now, today. I'm so ready for summer. You really have no idea.
I wanna throw on my shorts and flip flops and run out side.Winter is great, don't get me wrong. I gotta go snowboarding so that made my year and we discovered skeding. he he. But i ended up with a bad head ache, a gash on the back of my head, and a black eye... But there is just so much more to do in the summer! Swimming. Late nights. CAMPING! FOUR WHEELING! Lagoon. ect ect. I miss the suuuun so much. Being able to slack off with no consequences. aww.
On June 1st, it'll be the 5th year since Thad died. I've been thinking about him a lot lately. I miss him. Especially around halloween and Christmas. I think i'm going to go to the cemetary this year. Ever since he left, i haven't been able to bring my self to go. Just the though of going makes me break down. Makes my heart ache. I still have a hard time believing that he is gone. And how his wife just moved on and got remarried so soon, still kinda makes me...i guess a little mad. I still love her and such, but...idk. I still have dreams about being able to go back to that day and some how stop it. I was only in 6th grade, but ever since then i have always thought that maybe there was something i could have done to avoid the whole thing. I miss him more and more every day and im not sure if i have the strength to go to his grave yet. I hope i do.
Celeste--- i have had the feeling that i just wanna sing my heart out all the time!I don't know why, but some days, i just can't not sing! it's like a drug. Makes me happy, no matter how bad i sound. If i dont have my ipod plugged to my brain, i'm singing. I wish i had the courage to get up and sing in front of people, but oh well, my ears are good enough! I heard this awesome song today and my favorite part says "I love you like a lyrics loves a melody" =D
GOALS FOR THIS YEAR:
Try for the softball team.
Try for either soccer or volleyball team.
Be more nice.
Don't give in to peer pressure.
Keep my room clean.
Keep the peace with my parents.
Have at least 5 amazing summer adventures.
Keep it happy!
Quotes i've recently found:
When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you
She thinks: "Wow, he's gorgeous, amazing, thoughtful & intelligent."
He thinks: "I wonder if I can fit my whole fist in my mouth...."
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour.
Put your hand on a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute.
-- Albert Einstein
You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love;
the running across fields into your lover's arms can only come later
when you're sure they won't laugh if you trip.
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes.