Friday, August 27, 2010

The Things That Make My Heart Race

I'm gonna start off with a short list of things that make my heart race. Either from happiness, excitement, or fear. Either way, they get my heart going.

1. Getting a letter in the mail (Happy, Excited)
2. Being in a place where i'm totally out of my element (Excitement, Fear)
3. Ryan (Happiness, Fear, Excitement)
4. The thought of being a Life Flight paramedic (Excitement, Happiness beyond words)
5. The idea of me getting married (Fear, Excitement)

This week has been one that has made my heart basically feel like it is going to jump right out of my chest. On Monday, i started my new job up at the bookstore. I shouldn't have been scared because I know a lot of the people there. My Dad is one of the managers. I know how to work everything. But on my way to my first day i was terrified. First off because i knew that i was going to have to talk to people that i didn't know. Not one of my strong points. People scare me. And second, because i have to ride trax to and from work. People always end up talking to me no matter what i do and every once and a while, a random guy will hit on me. Coming home one day on trax, a guy looked at me and said "don't take this the wrong way, but you're gorgeous" So yeah that was nice of him so i smiled and said thanks and then just stared at my feet. So awkward. Finally a seat opens up and i sat down. Other guy leans over and says " Is he bothering you?" I tell him no , not any more. So he replies "Okay cuz if he was just tell me and i would take care of it." Thanks dude. One morning as i got off the train a guy almost knocked me out with his backpack. He said sorry and i assumed that would be the end of talking to him. But then he starts talking to me and asking me about myself. He was super nice and walked with me all the way to the bookstore and then when i had to go he realized he was in the opposite end of where he should be. (I'm gonna say something and no one is allowed to comment on it) I don't understand why these things happen. While at work i got asked for my number a few times, and other stuff like saying my name was pretty and that i have the prettiest eyes they have ever seen. Look, I know myself. I know what i look like. I'm nothing out of the ordinary or special. I'm even that good looking so why do people gotta creep on me? But anyways, I'm not so scared of work any more. I know more of what i'm doing and everyone knows me. The 9 hours days are just killing me now.

Oh man...Ryan. This guy scares the crap out of me. (for those of you who don't know, Ryan is the boy I like) I can't read him at all. This frustrates me. The first time he held my hand, my stomach was going crazy. While we were walking around the park talking, I felt like i might fly away. When i was in Idaho and we would text constantly, I couldn't believe someone was this awesome. When he kissed me..oh my heck. If people could spontaneously com bust, i would have. He is just like me. He is super sweet. He's proven to me that chivalry is not dead. He opens all my doors. When we were walking in the park, he makes me move so i'm not walking on the side next to the road. He won't ever let me pay. (It kills me) This all makes me super happy and such, but i'm also scared of him. The way he talks to me over text has changed. It went from flirting all the time, trying to make me smile all the time, smiley faces, laughing, making me feel special. And then actually calling me on the phone to talk to me. *sigh* But now it's totally different. I don't know what changed or if i did anything. He assured me a little while ago that he still REALLY liked me. So that set my mind at ease for a while...but i'm still scared. I don't want this to end up like every other time. I think i have a defect that makes me screw these things up.

Today at work, I saw the two coolest women ever. They were just going through the line to buy stuff just like everyone else there. But these women were from Life Flight. They had their Life Flight uniforms on and oh man. My heart stopped. I want that to be me!

Then while i was riding home on the bus with my Dad, there was a big accident on 5300 south. The first thing i saw was two paramedics holding a little girls hand and leading her over to the ambulance. Then i saw another one putting bandages on someones head in the back of the ambulance. Oh man gosh. I NEED that to be me. I want to be out there, helping people who are hurt. Driving around until i'm needed. I don't know why this kind of job is so appealing to me but i know that if i don't go and try to be a paramedic or a LF paramedic, i will never forgive my self.

I got two letters in the mail this week. One from my friend Jared and another from my friend Paul. Jared is still in the MTC but Paul is in Australia. I love my missionaries. They are so bomb i can't even explain it.

The other day my Mom said something that i couldn't decide if i was angry about or if i was scared of. She said she was worried that since i have never really dated much or ever had a boyfriend that the first boy that asks me out or asks me to marry him, i'll jump into it without even thinking if it's right for me. What the heck Mom?! I may get twitter patted easily and want to feel like someone really cares about me, but trust me. I will not be getting married any time soon. Sheesh. I can barley handle the concept of moving out into my own place. Let alone get married. Yikes!

Well my heart is racing just thinking about everything right now. I think i accidentally made Ryan mad just now... My phone broke so right now i'm using my old crappy one and it doesn't always send my messages. So he thought i was ignoring his question. Awesome. And then his phone died. I love my life. I hate making people mad. Especially when I don't mean to and they just misunderstood me. Gah. Plus not knowing what he thinks of me at this point sucks. What happened to the old fun, cute, flirty, silly Ryan? uhhg. I hate how things always change on me and throw me for a loop...

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