Change Your Mind...Let Go Too Soon

I really need to learn to speak up sometimes. But I'm not the kind of person that confronts people about things. I want to...but i feel like it's easier to just sit back and let it run it's course. The problem with this is that I end up getting hurt and not getting what I really need. Right now, I'm stuck in a situation where i really need to speak my mind and let someone know what is going on inside my head. But I'm not sure how to say what I need to. Actually...That's a lie. I know exactly what I need to say. I'm just too scared to say it. And if you think about it logically, it's really not that difficult. I play situations over in my head and think about what to say and how to say it. I'm not sure if that's normal..but then again, when have I ever been normal? I think the part I am scared of the most is not what i say, but what the other person will say. I can't plan that part out. But i have never been the kind of person to say how i feel. I don't let people know how i feel. And because of that, people think of me as this emotional rock. I can't be hurt or offended. And that is partly true. I'm not easily offended or hurt, but I'm more sensitive than i let people know. Just because i don't cry in front of people doesn't mean i don't cry at all. And i only let people i trust see me cry. The last person i cried in front of was the person that I need to say something to. Usually, i just stand there and pretend like nothing is bothering me and don't speak at all. I have had way to many chances to tell this person what is going on with my feelings and what I'm thinking about, but I pass it up every time because i think that if i say what i need to say, they will feel bad when they shouldn't. I'm also torn because i don't know what i should do. All of my friends are telling me "Drop them. They're a tool. They're lying. Making up excuses. They don't care about you at all any more." I really don't believe any of that but sometimes it kills me because part of me wants to beleive it. It would give me a reason for the way they are acting. I can't think straight about this. I worry about it constantly because right now, the only thing i want is a clear straight forward explaination. The first thing I need to say to them is:

-I miss you. I miss you probably more than I should. If it was up to me, I would see you every day. But right now, it feels like you don't want to see me at all. Even though you said you do want to. I make the effort, but end up being disappointed. I miss talking to you about the most random and pointless things but still just being happy because I'm talking to you. Again, it feels like you don't want to talk to me. We went from talking almost every day to talking maybe once a week. All that changed in less than a month. Why? There used to be time for me in your life. I feel like i'm just fading away...

-I like you. A lot. Okay? I know we never said that out loud and just assumed it, but it feels a lot better to just say it. I ended up liking you a lot more than i planned. And took time for me to like you. Over time i started falling. Every little thing you said or did just pulled me further, I didn't mind. And it felt like every day you found a new way to amaze me. I couldn't believe how incredibly good you were. I still can't. I know you're not perfect, but you're the perfect you. And it's all about seeing an imperfect person perfectly. And i think I'm to that point. And I don't think i have ever met someone who has seemed so perfect for me. It's kind of ridiculous actually. I was totally comfortable with you. I could talk with you about anything. Everything was so easy, and now it's gotten really difficult.

-I'm just so confused. You say things that throw my mind for a loop now. Every time we talk it's something new. But i do my best to understand because i know that what you're doing is what you think is right. And i'm not saying it's wrong, I just wish i knew everything that was going on in your head. I've always been really good at reading people. But with you...I can't see anything! It's kind of frustrating. I hate having everyone come to me with their problems and being able to fix them but when it comes to my own problems, i'm at a total loss. I want a straight forward honest explaination. I want you to prove all of my friends wrong. But then again, if i do get my explaination, maybe you will just prove them right and prove me to be an idiot who fell when she shouldn't have. Who trusted when she shouldn't have. Who let her guard down, for the first time in almost two years, when she should have been smarter.

I know i probably need to say these things, but I know I probably won't. Ever. I'm just not like that. I don't want to get in the way. If, for some reason, this person i'm talking about is reading this, i'm sure you know who you are. But it's not very likely they will ever see this post so in a way i guess i don't need to worry. Everything is easier for me to say when i write it down. I don't know what to do. My head hurts. My heart hurts. It skips a beat every time i see your name on my phone or hear someone even mention you. This isn't like me at all. I have liked people before, but nothing like this. I don't get twitterpatted and I don't like sitting and thinking about all the times i have spent with someone. I don't like having my mind so full that it feels like it's going to explode. I don't like over anylyzing everything you do or say. I didn't at first. But now i can't help it. Even though i never do any of that... all of a sudden, I am. I love thinking about all the times we have just hung out and laughed and talked. It makes me happy, but at the same time it just makes my heart ache. It's kind of scaring me. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm in totally new territory here. I have no map. So i just have to sit here and hope someone walks by and offers to help me...

"Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley
Well said Bob...well said.

Oh, and there have been some new additions to the Summer '10 Bucket List! *

-Soap up the three fountains
-Go on a date to Lagoon (always though that would be the best date)
-Get a kiss in the rain (not just any random kiss. a meaningful one)
-Go skydiving
-Visit (bodacious!) Brad in Arizona
-Read the Book of Mormon all the way through again
-Walk on the beach in the moonlight
-Have a "paint my house" party
-Work and save up my money
-Be nicer to my sisters and brother
-Appreciate my parents more
-Play for All Stars
-Go on a date to temple square
-Make a few awesome music videos
-Learn to do some legit tricks on the trampoline like Joseph and his brother
*Have the biggest bonfire EVER
*Go boating. Possibly try water skiing, but for sure go tubing.
*Go camping a ridiculous amount of times. (real camping. Tents and fires and sleeping bags. none of that cabin or trailer crap.)
*Have a paint fight