Sunday, March 28, 2010

Holi Festival of Colors 2010

In India, Holi announces the arrival of spring and the passing of winter. The festival breathes an atmosphere of social merriment. People bury their hatchets with a warm embrace and throw their worries to the wind. Every nook and corner presents a colorful sight. Young and old alike are covered with colors. People are seen singing, dancing and throwing colors on each other. Sara, Gabby and I went to this festival on saturday. It was epic to say the least.

After walking about five miles to the Sri Sri Radha Krishna Temple, i was already pretty covered in pink and yellow color from people passing by. We got there around 5:40 so sadly we missed the throwing of the colors, but there was still plenty of people throwing them around. Everything was covered in colored dust. Music was blaring and people were dancing. I haven't had that much fun in a very long time. I felt like i was going to explode from happiness. I was already in a good mood because i had been hanging out with Dallin all day, but this whole thing just got me pumped.

Monday, March 15, 2010

You'll Always Be My Best Friend

I wish I knew you
Way back when
Before you were part of my plans
I think that we would have been friends

There's only time to live our lives
And you'll be the one who's by my side
And I can promise you then
You'll always be my best friend

Till the end when we part
I will give you my heart
And I'll promise to love you with all that it is
And I'll promise to be there whenever you need me
Because you'll always be my best friend

I hate this feeling. This stupid feeling of loss, depression and hopelessness. I don't want to sit and constantly write about how sad i am, but it's all i can think about right now. Last Wednesday my friend Dylan texted me. he told me he was leaving for a tournament in Arizona that night and he might not be coming back. They had to win their games so they could earn a spot in nationals. (he's on a aaa hockey team)As soon as i read that text i felt sick. This guy has become my best friend. I've spent almost every day since September with him. And Wednesday might be the last time i ever see him because if they lose, they all go home. And he lives in Nashville. Over the past couple months i had been writing a letter that i would give him when he left. But i guess i never thought that he would actually leave. So i skipped my last two classes and sat in my car and finished writing him the letter. When i finished it i realized that over the past two months, i had written him a 7 page letter, double sided. I can't help but think that it's a bit over excessive but i don't know what else to do. This guy is my best friend. I love him. And he was leaving. I went over to his house after school and we just sat and watched tv for about an hour. But of course, i had to leave to go to the doctors, so it was time to say goodbye to, what if felt like, was the only person who really listened to me and liked me for me. He gave me one of his long hugs and i stood there fighting the urge to cry and wishing he'd never let go. But he did. and he told me to keep in touch and hugged me again. i got into my car and drove away. Then it really hit me. That what probably the last time i'd ever get to see him again. I started bawling. I swear i could just feel my heart drop and i felt sick. An hour later i got to the hospital and i was still crying but trying to control it. But by that time,my eyes were all red and swollen and it was pretty obvious that i had been crying. So naturally, everyone who talks to me asks me what is wrong which just makes me break down again. I really don't know how i made it through that day. I was a mess.

I've never really been on this side of losing a friend. I've always been the one that moves away. It's a lot easier when you're the one leaving and not being the one left. But i still had a little bit of hope. His team had an eight game winning streak. They could still pull through and win this tournament and get a spot to play in the nationals. They lost their first game but won the other two. So all they had to do was win their game on Sunday, and they'd have a spot in nationals and be able to come back to Utah for about two weeks or so. I spent so much of that week on my knees praying so hard that his team would win. I wished on everything. 11:11, train tracks, wishing wells, shooting stars, everything. I needed more time. The goodbye i gave wasn't good enough. I needed a better one. I just needed to see him again. But monday morning i find out they lost. 2-1. It's over. And he's gone. My best friend, the one i trusted with everything. He's going to home halfway across the country. And now i feel all alone. I told him he could read my letter now because he wasn't coming back. The letter started out by saying how much i loved him and how saying goodbye to him was going to be one of the hardest things i've ever done. I told him about my favorite times with him. All the dorky things he did that i loved. How he drove me crazy at times, but in the end i didn't care.

But now he's on his way home. And i'm stuck here wishing i had given a better goodbye. Wishing that by some freaking miracle i will get to see him again. But at this point, i think the only time i will ever see him again is when he's an amazing NHL goalie. And i'm scared that he will just forget about me and i'll just become a memory. It's crazy how much i miss the little things already. Like how every night he'd text me and say "Goodnight bff" and how he always knew how to cheer me up. I don't know what to do but i guess i'll figure it out eventually. I just miss him.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Just Another Bump In The Road

I seem to keep forgetting about this... and when i do actually remember, I'm too lazy to write anything. But a lot has happened lately, and writing it down seems to make everything simpler. And i think i should explain a few thing to some people. I've been pretty distant lately and this is why...

School is tough. Not the classes though. All my classes are ridiculously easy. It's the getting up part and dragging my butt to school part that's difficult. I've heard kids talk about senior-itis, but this is ridiculous. I feel great once I'm at school, but the drive to that horrid building is torture. In all honesty though, i like school. My friends are there, and i always am able to at least force a smile and laugh. It seems like when I'm st school, the majority of the bad things leave me alone. But once im at home...bam. everything hits me.

Brain seizures are back. Back with a vengeance. I guess they got tired of sitting around for a year and a half. They come at the worst times too. Like when i get home after the day activity for the sweethearts dance. I wasn't doing anything special. Just watching Anchorman with my Mom. And then it hits me like a ton of bricks. I guess i should explain what they are and what happens since most of you don't know.
The doctors aren't sure of whats causing it. Could be just faulty wiring in the brain or it could be a tumor. awesome. But it happens in the memory section of my brain. That section will misfire at random times and cause me to have a deja vu feeling. But its not like your normal deja vu feeling. Imagine you see something that makes you go "woah, i swear I've seen that before" you get that kinda weird feeling in your stomach but you just brush it off. Well with me, multiply that "deja vu" feeling by, lets say, 10. You feel like you've seen this thing before but you don't know where or when. Your whole body then goes totally numb and cold. Everything tingles. Then you can almost see a weird memory in your head. and everything about it is familiar, but at the same time, you know you haven't seen any of this before. Your vision goes blurry and you cant see or stand up straight. You feel sick to your stomach and then every muscle in your body cramps up. I can't even explain half of the things that i feel or see when this happens. And it terrifies me. I don't know whats wrong, and even worse, the doctors don't know either.And they can happen when I'm doing anything. Watching a movie, playing guitar, putting on makeup, driving, etc. *sigh* i just wish i was normal for once.

I've also kind of been on the edge lately because it feels as if people just keep screwing me over. walking all over me. using me for what they want and then dropping me. Is there just something about me that screams "Walk all over me guys! I'm you're own personal doormat!"? I think this is probably because my weakness is people. All i want to do is help people. No matter what the situation. But in the end, people just tell me I'm too nice. Is that even possible? I think that people in this world aren't nice enough. Why do we insist on hurting people? Using them? Does it make you feel better? I don't see how or why it would. Everyone in the world has feelings. No matter who they are. What gives you the right to disrespect them and bring them down? I don't get it. I'm not saying I'm perfect. I know I've hurt people before. But I'm always trying my hardest not to. But it seems like i can never avoid not getting hurt in any situation. I don't get what I'm doing wrong.

This past weekend Sara, Shannon, Ben, and I drove down to Las Vegas to go watch Dylan and Conor's hockey tournament. We stayed with my aunt Anna-liisa and we had a blast. Sara knew people down there so we actually had guys to hang out with. I haven't been that carefree in a long time. I ended up mildly liking one of the guys we hung out with. Which really surprised me since I've had a really hard time liking people. And i don't really fall for people very easily. I was pretty sure he liked me too so i was really happy because honestly, i never have that kind of luck. I came back to Utah on Sunday but all week I've been smiling cuz I'm actually happy.He's called me twice since I've left and we've talked for over an hour. I don't think I've ever done that. He also talked to me about getting skype so we can talk over the computer and see each other. My dad doesn't want it on our computer but I'm just that good at convincing him to help me out! So guess who got skype now? All week all i can think about is when i can go back to Vegas and have fun and smile and just feel good about myself. It's terrible how low my self esteem gets. But for some reason, this boy just made it shoot through the roof. I liked myself. I haven't liked myself in so long. I was happy. But now it's Thursday. Five days since I've left. And now he tells me he already likes someone else. Okay, that's fine i can understand that. Life happens. So i say okay and then we say goodbye. Then he for some reason has to tell me that (and i quote) "he doesn't want me to think that he doesn't like me. he really does like me. and he thinks that the girl he likes might be me. and he doesn't know why he said that first thing because he really does like me." May i please scream WTH at the top of my lungs? Or at least just bang my head against my wall? I don't know what i was thinking. I have got to stop trusting people so easily. Now what am i supposed to do with the stupid skype? I guess at least it saves me a trip down to Vegas over spring break. Oh, yeah. I didn't mention how he said i should come back down for spring break. and so I've been trying to work that trip out. At least I'm saving money, right? *sigh* One day I'll catch a break, right? I know I'll be happy one day.

"Its just another bump in the road
Its not a huge mountain to climb
Its just a small hill in my path
Its not going to stop me this time"