Wednesday, May 19, 2010

I've Got A Sick Obsession. I'm Seeing It In My Dreams!

I've realized latley that I may have a slight problem. I'm addicted to a few things. Not bad things, so don't worry. But there is a handful of things that I just can't get enough of!

I can't get enough of singing while playing my guitar or piano. And just singing in general. First of all, i just love the feeling of singing. It feels like when i sing i can just let all my frustration out. Especially when i sing as loud as i can when i'm driving in my car. It makes me feel so...alive! It feels even better when i can sing to music that i'm making.When i can play my guitar without thinking about it, and just feel my fingers going crazy all over the strings...I can't even explain it. It's one of the best feelings in the world. With piano also.

Pineapple. I don't even think i need to explain any further. It's the most amazing fruit ever grown. I ate three of them last week. Not three bowls, or plates, or cans. Three whole pineapples. My mouth is freaking out right now just thinking about it.

The boy. I don't need to explain this one. If you're my friend, you know what i'm talking about.

Seminary. Why can't every class i have be seminary? The people in my class rock. It's ridiculous. Brother Kelly is hilarious and he gives the most amazing lessons. We had our end of the year testimony meeting. First, before we had the actual testimony meeting, we played the game signs. This just proved to me even more of how awesome my class is. Everyone likes each other, everyone is hilarious, and everyone is included. The testimony meeting wasn't the most spiritual one i've been apart of, but it really made me think. It made me think about how lucky i am to have the chance to take seminary and how much i'm really going to miss it. I've always gone to seminary thinking "This is cool. Everyone here is also LDS and believes the same things i do" but i never really let that hit me. when every one was talking about how strongly they believed that the church was true, it hit me that i really wasn't alone. I've always known that i'm not alone, but i never thought about how all these people really do think the same way i do. Everything that was said, was what i was thinking. It was awesome.

Softball. The love of my life. I can never get enough. Before i get to softball, i never wanna do it. Let's face it, i'm the laziest person on the earth. I procrastinate everything. Homework, chores, working out...I suck pretty much. But once i get playing the game, i don't want to stop. I wish the games were longer and that there was more of them. this is the reason that i'm trying out for the summer league. So hopefully i can get my lazy butt into gear and kill at softball!

Movies. I love movies. I love watching movies, and i love making movies. Watching movies is probably my favorite though. Like i said, i'm lazy. Whats better than sitting on your butt and watching someting entertaining? You can just chill, relax, and get comfortable. and watching the movie with people is even better. you get hilarious commentary and you're not the only one laughing so you don't feel like an idiot laughing in an empty room. But i have to say, scary movies are the best kind.

Those are the main things that are on my mind for the most part. sometimes, they're all i can think about! I love it. but i have a hard time focusing on school...could be a problem. Oh well!

** No updates for the bucket list. Still the same cute little list as last time.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Change Your Mind...Let Go Too Soon

I really need to learn to speak up sometimes. But I'm not the kind of person that confronts people about things. I want to...but i feel like it's easier to just sit back and let it run it's course. The problem with this is that I end up getting hurt and not getting what I really need. Right now, I'm stuck in a situation where i really need to speak my mind and let someone know what is going on inside my head. But I'm not sure how to say what I need to. Actually...That's a lie. I know exactly what I need to say. I'm just too scared to say it. And if you think about it logically, it's really not that difficult. I play situations over in my head and think about what to say and how to say it. I'm not sure if that's normal..but then again, when have I ever been normal? I think the part I am scared of the most is not what i say, but what the other person will say. I can't plan that part out. But i have never been the kind of person to say how i feel. I don't let people know how i feel. And because of that, people think of me as this emotional rock. I can't be hurt or offended. And that is partly true. I'm not easily offended or hurt, but I'm more sensitive than i let people know. Just because i don't cry in front of people doesn't mean i don't cry at all. And i only let people i trust see me cry. The last person i cried in front of was the person that I need to say something to. Usually, i just stand there and pretend like nothing is bothering me and don't speak at all. I have had way to many chances to tell this person what is going on with my feelings and what I'm thinking about, but I pass it up every time because i think that if i say what i need to say, they will feel bad when they shouldn't. I'm also torn because i don't know what i should do. All of my friends are telling me "Drop them. They're a tool. They're lying. Making up excuses. They don't care about you at all any more." I really don't believe any of that but sometimes it kills me because part of me wants to beleive it. It would give me a reason for the way they are acting. I can't think straight about this. I worry about it constantly because right now, the only thing i want is a clear straight forward explaination. The first thing I need to say to them is:

-I miss you. I miss you probably more than I should. If it was up to me, I would see you every day. But right now, it feels like you don't want to see me at all. Even though you said you do want to. I make the effort, but end up being disappointed. I miss talking to you about the most random and pointless things but still just being happy because I'm talking to you. Again, it feels like you don't want to talk to me. We went from talking almost every day to talking maybe once a week. All that changed in less than a month. Why? There used to be time for me in your life. I feel like i'm just fading away...

-I like you. A lot. Okay? I know we never said that out loud and just assumed it, but it feels a lot better to just say it. I ended up liking you a lot more than i planned. And took time for me to like you. Over time i started falling. Every little thing you said or did just pulled me further, I didn't mind. And it felt like every day you found a new way to amaze me. I couldn't believe how incredibly good you were. I still can't. I know you're not perfect, but you're the perfect you. And it's all about seeing an imperfect person perfectly. And i think I'm to that point. And I don't think i have ever met someone who has seemed so perfect for me. It's kind of ridiculous actually. I was totally comfortable with you. I could talk with you about anything. Everything was so easy, and now it's gotten really difficult.

-I'm just so confused. You say things that throw my mind for a loop now. Every time we talk it's something new. But i do my best to understand because i know that what you're doing is what you think is right. And i'm not saying it's wrong, I just wish i knew everything that was going on in your head. I've always been really good at reading people. But with you...I can't see anything! It's kind of frustrating. I hate having everyone come to me with their problems and being able to fix them but when it comes to my own problems, i'm at a total loss. I want a straight forward honest explaination. I want you to prove all of my friends wrong. But then again, if i do get my explaination, maybe you will just prove them right and prove me to be an idiot who fell when she shouldn't have. Who trusted when she shouldn't have. Who let her guard down, for the first time in almost two years, when she should have been smarter.

I know i probably need to say these things, but I know I probably won't. Ever. I'm just not like that. I don't want to get in the way. If, for some reason, this person i'm talking about is reading this, i'm sure you know who you are. But it's not very likely they will ever see this post so in a way i guess i don't need to worry. Everything is easier for me to say when i write it down. I don't know what to do. My head hurts. My heart hurts. It skips a beat every time i see your name on my phone or hear someone even mention you. This isn't like me at all. I have liked people before, but nothing like this. I don't get twitterpatted and I don't like sitting and thinking about all the times i have spent with someone. I don't like having my mind so full that it feels like it's going to explode. I don't like over anylyzing everything you do or say. I didn't at first. But now i can't help it. Even though i never do any of that... all of a sudden, I am. I love thinking about all the times we have just hung out and laughed and talked. It makes me happy, but at the same time it just makes my heart ache. It's kind of scaring me. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm in totally new territory here. I have no map. So i just have to sit here and hope someone walks by and offers to help me...

"Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley
Well said Bob...well said.

Oh, and there have been some new additions to the Summer '10 Bucket List! *

-Soap up the three fountains
-Go on a date to Lagoon (always though that would be the best date)
-Get a kiss in the rain (not just any random kiss. a meaningful one)
-Go skydiving
-Visit (bodacious!) Brad in Arizona
-Read the Book of Mormon all the way through again
-Walk on the beach in the moonlight
-Have a "paint my house" party
-Work and save up my money
-Be nicer to my sisters and brother
-Appreciate my parents more
-Play for All Stars
-Go on a date to temple square
-Make a few awesome music videos
-Learn to do some legit tricks on the trampoline like Joseph and his brother
*Have the biggest bonfire EVER
*Go boating. Possibly try water skiing, but for sure go tubing.
*Go camping a ridiculous amount of times. (real camping. Tents and fires and sleeping bags. none of that cabin or trailer crap.)
*Have a paint fight

Friday, May 7, 2010

It's official. The "bucket lists" are being made!

Summer defined by the dictionary : the period of finest development, perfection, or beauty previous to any decline

Every summer, Lindsley and I write our SUMMER BUCKET lists. It's basically a list of the things that we want to get done before our summer "kicks the bucket". But every summer, we write a few things down, get only a few of them done, and then forget about the whole thing until we find our lists around the time that school starts. It's always disappointing. This is the summer after senior year. The summer before college. This is OUR summer. So, our goal is to have the lists written before school ends and then all through the summer, we will be helping each other check things off! Keep in mind, this list has no profound meaning. Some of these things...okay A LOT of these things are just plain silly and will most likely not happen. But that's the fun. It may be ridiculous, but its something to work for, laugh at, and smile about.
So far, this is what my Summer Bucket List looks like:

-Soap up the three fountains
-Go on a date to Lagoon (always though that would be the best date)
-Get a kiss in the rain (not just any random kiss. a meaningful one)
-Go skydiving
-Visit (bodacious!) Brad in Arizona
-Read the Book of Mormon all the way through again
-Walk on the beach in the moonlight
-Have a paint my house party
-Work and save up my money
-Be nicer to my sisters and brother
-Appreciate my parents more
-Play for All Stars
-Go on a date to temple square
-Make a few awesome music videos
-Learn to do some legit tricks on the trampoline like Joseph and his brother

Sunday, May 2, 2010

How You Doin'?

I was sitting with my friend the other night and we started listing all of our favorite pickup lines. Later, I found a group on facebook called "I love Mormon pickup lines". Here are some of our favorite from the group and from the list we made our selves.
The ones with the ** are my FAVORITE ones and made me laugh so hard i cried.

Do you know what it's like to hold the priesthood?...Do you want to? (hug) **

You remind me of the fruit in Lehi's dream. Most precious above all!

Haven't we met before...like in the pre-existence?

You don't sweat much for a Utah girl. **

So, what are you doing for the rest of eternity?

Dearest Darling...after much deliberation, and significant consideration, I have half the inclination to make you my relation. So if you'll meet me at the station, with the bishop's cooperation, we will form a combination that will increase the population.

Last night I was looking at the stars, and for every one I saw I thought of something that I love about you... but soon I ran out of stars.

If you were words on a page, you would be what they call FINE PRINT!

I knew i'd feel the spirit at EFY, but i didn't think i'd see an angel!

Can I see your tag? Oh, I thought so...made in heaven **

Were you eating lucky charms this morning? cause you look magically delicious

Do you have a boyfriend?
Oh, you do? Well, when you want a MANfriend, come talk to me!

So did you hear about Pluto? Yeah, thats messed up.. -- Pysch **

Hey i lost my teddy bear can i cuddle with you instead?

I think i've seen your picture before. oh that's right, it was in the the dictionary next to KABLAM! --Fresh Princh of Bel-Aire **

What's ur favorite temple? I'm lookin' at mine

--My all time favorite...

IS YOUR NAME VIRTUE? BECAUSE YOU GARNISH MY THOUGHTS UNCEASINGLY! *** :P