Betrayal && Adoration

Love...

There are two sides I see. Two main feelings I feel. Betrayal and Adoration. They are completely different. They do not "crash" or "collide". But I breathe them in more and more with each breath I take. Love is so different, unique, amazing. Not many people see love in the exact way as some one else might. It can mean anything to any one.

Love can be:

hate
tenderness
confusion
friendships
heartbreaks

ect...

It has so many emotional meanings to it. but also, so many tricks, scams, and mistakes. So, why do we fall for it? The answer? to grow, to learn, to live. Love has left me in a situation where there is absolutely no room for tricks, scams, or mistakes. I am deeply hurt, yet wonderfully happy. I am confused, yet everything is so vividly clear. I am not willing to give in, yet I have already surrendered. I want to let go. I want to jump...so what am I waiting for? I suppose its fear. I feel the need for guidance at this point in my life. It is hard to trust the ones I don't already, and i feel like i don't trust enough people. Its hard for me to trust people. I don't know if I'll be able to hold my heart in two any longer. But no one knows. So I might as well jump. I can take a chance. But there are still 2 standing conflicts:

1- I am hurt. I feel betrayed. I feel like what I had to give, was just not enough. I felt as if everything was a long dream. But I was soon proven wrong. Love can be a deception when not used with care. Especially when it is taken for granted. You expect so much, but after all the constant smiles and laughter, I recieved so little. I only ask for honesty, realness, and respect. No more. Is that to much to ask for? Apparently it was.

2- I feel weak in the knees. My heart throbs uncontrollably. My lungs feel like they could burst. My smile never whithers away. My whole insides just feel like they could fly away. It is a feeling of perfection. A feeling of hope & faith. It's a feeling i'm not totally sure i have ever felt before. I have given, & recieved just as much...at times, more. I have a feeling of safeness..peace. I absolutley love this. Every second, every minute, and every hour of it. Life moves at the speed of the heart. I'm letting go of fear & uneasiness.

Happiness
Pain

Bitterness
Playfulness
Honesty
Misery
Depression
Relief
Discomfort
Disappointment
Peacefulness
Patience
Aggrivation
Loyalty
Inegrity
Falseness
Dedication
Diligence
Immatureness
Rejection
Admiration

BETRAYAL
ADORATION

2009 Passing Through Time

I survived another year...awesome!
Looking back through 2008 has really made me think. I didn't take in to account how truly great my friends are. I've always known they were amazing, but looking back i see everything they have really done for me. Like Christelle for example. She's never not been there for me. She tells me the truth and is forward about it so i dont have to guess on any thing. She pretty much the reason i have my job. (Which i have to say, is the best job in the world right now. The people there freaking rock. And they've helped me live my life) Celeste...wow. There is just too much to say about her. She's always there too. It's crazy because we have become such close friends in a pretty short time. She makes me always feel good about my self. The comments she gives me just makes my day. They range from "Kylee, you kick face" all the way to "You're just plain amazing." Aubrey, holy crap. She is just my hero. Her jokes, her funny faces, everything about her just makes me laugh! She's one of the funniest people i know! Kort and Shan and Sara...if it wasn't for them, i wouldn't be at Murray any more. Greg...he's a funny guy for sure. We just recently started talking maybe a few months ago but we've really gotten to know each other. He's always there when i just need some one to talk to, he lets me vent. And he's always there offering to give me a ride home when im stuck. haha. which is often.

My junior year is almost over. AH! that makes me happy.
Half way through now, today. I'm so ready for summer. You really have no idea.
I wanna throw on my shorts and flip flops and run out side.Winter is great, don't get me wrong. I gotta go snowboarding so that made my year and we discovered skeding. he he. But i ended up with a bad head ache, a gash on the back of my head, and a black eye... But there is just so much more to do in the summer! Swimming. Late nights. CAMPING! FOUR WHEELING! Lagoon. ect ect. I miss the suuuun so much. Being able to slack off with no consequences. aww.


On June 1st, it'll be the 5th year since Thad died. I've been thinking about him a lot lately. I miss him. Especially around halloween and Christmas. I think i'm going to go to the cemetary this year. Ever since he left, i haven't been able to bring my self to go. Just the though of going makes me break down. Makes my heart ache. I still have a hard time believing that he is gone. And how his wife just moved on and got remarried so soon, still kinda makes me...i guess a little mad. I still love her and such, but...idk. I still have dreams about being able to go back to that day and some how stop it. I was only in 6th grade, but ever since then i have always thought that maybe there was something i could have done to avoid the whole thing. I miss him more and more every day and im not sure if i have the strength to go to his grave yet. I hope i do.

Celeste--- i have had the feeling that i just wanna sing my heart out all the time!I don't know why, but some days, i just can't not sing! it's like a drug. Makes me happy, no matter how bad i sound. If i dont have my ipod plugged to my brain, i'm singing. I wish i had the courage to get up and sing in front of people, but oh well, my ears are good enough! I heard this awesome song today and my favorite part says "I love you like a lyrics loves a melody" =D

GOALS FOR THIS YEAR:
Try harder.
Try for the softball team.
Try for either soccer or volleyball team.
Take chances.
Be more nice.
Don't give in to peer pressure.
Keep my room clean.
Keep the peace with my parents.
Have at least 5 amazing summer adventures.
Keep it happy!


Quotes i've recently found:

When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you

She thinks: "Wow, he's gorgeous, amazing, thoughtful & intelligent."
He thinks: "I wonder if I can fit my whole fist in my mouth...."

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour.
Put your hand on a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute.
That's relativity.
-- Albert Einstein

You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love;
the running across fields into your lover's arms can only come later
when you're sure they won't laugh if you trip.

-- Jonathan Carroll

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes.

There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.

-- Henry Kissinger