Thursday, March 4, 2010

Just Another Bump In The Road

I seem to keep forgetting about this... and when i do actually remember, I'm too lazy to write anything. But a lot has happened lately, and writing it down seems to make everything simpler. And i think i should explain a few thing to some people. I've been pretty distant lately and this is why...

School is tough. Not the classes though. All my classes are ridiculously easy. It's the getting up part and dragging my butt to school part that's difficult. I've heard kids talk about senior-itis, but this is ridiculous. I feel great once I'm at school, but the drive to that horrid building is torture. In all honesty though, i like school. My friends are there, and i always am able to at least force a smile and laugh. It seems like when I'm st school, the majority of the bad things leave me alone. But once im at home...bam. everything hits me.

Brain seizures are back. Back with a vengeance. I guess they got tired of sitting around for a year and a half. They come at the worst times too. Like when i get home after the day activity for the sweethearts dance. I wasn't doing anything special. Just watching Anchorman with my Mom. And then it hits me like a ton of bricks. I guess i should explain what they are and what happens since most of you don't know.
The doctors aren't sure of whats causing it. Could be just faulty wiring in the brain or it could be a tumor. awesome. But it happens in the memory section of my brain. That section will misfire at random times and cause me to have a deja vu feeling. But its not like your normal deja vu feeling. Imagine you see something that makes you go "woah, i swear I've seen that before" you get that kinda weird feeling in your stomach but you just brush it off. Well with me, multiply that "deja vu" feeling by, lets say, 10. You feel like you've seen this thing before but you don't know where or when. Your whole body then goes totally numb and cold. Everything tingles. Then you can almost see a weird memory in your head. and everything about it is familiar, but at the same time, you know you haven't seen any of this before. Your vision goes blurry and you cant see or stand up straight. You feel sick to your stomach and then every muscle in your body cramps up. I can't even explain half of the things that i feel or see when this happens. And it terrifies me. I don't know whats wrong, and even worse, the doctors don't know either.And they can happen when I'm doing anything. Watching a movie, playing guitar, putting on makeup, driving, etc. *sigh* i just wish i was normal for once.

I've also kind of been on the edge lately because it feels as if people just keep screwing me over. walking all over me. using me for what they want and then dropping me. Is there just something about me that screams "Walk all over me guys! I'm you're own personal doormat!"? I think this is probably because my weakness is people. All i want to do is help people. No matter what the situation. But in the end, people just tell me I'm too nice. Is that even possible? I think that people in this world aren't nice enough. Why do we insist on hurting people? Using them? Does it make you feel better? I don't see how or why it would. Everyone in the world has feelings. No matter who they are. What gives you the right to disrespect them and bring them down? I don't get it. I'm not saying I'm perfect. I know I've hurt people before. But I'm always trying my hardest not to. But it seems like i can never avoid not getting hurt in any situation. I don't get what I'm doing wrong.

This past weekend Sara, Shannon, Ben, and I drove down to Las Vegas to go watch Dylan and Conor's hockey tournament. We stayed with my aunt Anna-liisa and we had a blast. Sara knew people down there so we actually had guys to hang out with. I haven't been that carefree in a long time. I ended up mildly liking one of the guys we hung out with. Which really surprised me since I've had a really hard time liking people. And i don't really fall for people very easily. I was pretty sure he liked me too so i was really happy because honestly, i never have that kind of luck. I came back to Utah on Sunday but all week I've been smiling cuz I'm actually happy.He's called me twice since I've left and we've talked for over an hour. I don't think I've ever done that. He also talked to me about getting skype so we can talk over the computer and see each other. My dad doesn't want it on our computer but I'm just that good at convincing him to help me out! So guess who got skype now? All week all i can think about is when i can go back to Vegas and have fun and smile and just feel good about myself. It's terrible how low my self esteem gets. But for some reason, this boy just made it shoot through the roof. I liked myself. I haven't liked myself in so long. I was happy. But now it's Thursday. Five days since I've left. And now he tells me he already likes someone else. Okay, that's fine i can understand that. Life happens. So i say okay and then we say goodbye. Then he for some reason has to tell me that (and i quote) "he doesn't want me to think that he doesn't like me. he really does like me. and he thinks that the girl he likes might be me. and he doesn't know why he said that first thing because he really does like me." May i please scream WTH at the top of my lungs? Or at least just bang my head against my wall? I don't know what i was thinking. I have got to stop trusting people so easily. Now what am i supposed to do with the stupid skype? I guess at least it saves me a trip down to Vegas over spring break. Oh, yeah. I didn't mention how he said i should come back down for spring break. and so I've been trying to work that trip out. At least I'm saving money, right? *sigh* One day...one day I'll catch a break, right? I know I'll be happy one day.


"Its just another bump in the road
Its not a huge mountain to climb
Its just a small hill in my path
Its not going to stop me this time"

1 comment:

Clestial said...

Dude. You kick trash. My advice? Only date guys that are worthy of you. Don't settle. It's okay to be picky. :)