The Things That Make My Heart Race

I'm gonna start off with a short list of things that make my heart race. Either from happiness, excitement, or fear. Either way, they get my heart going.

1. Getting a letter in the mail (Happy, Excited)
2. Being in a place where i'm totally out of my element (Excitement, Fear)
3. Ryan (Happiness, Fear, Excitement)
4. The thought of being a Life Flight paramedic (Excitement, Happiness beyond words)
5. The idea of me getting married (Fear, Excitement)

This week has been one that has made my heart basically feel like it is going to jump right out of my chest. On Monday, i started my new job up at the bookstore. I shouldn't have been scared because I know a lot of the people there. My Dad is one of the managers. I know how to work everything. But on my way to my first day i was terrified. First off because i knew that i was going to have to talk to people that i didn't know. Not one of my strong points. People scare me. And second, because i have to ride trax to and from work. People always end up talking to me no matter what i do and every once and a while, a random guy will hit on me. Coming home one day on trax, a guy looked at me and said "don't take this the wrong way, but you're gorgeous" So yeah that was nice of him so i smiled and said thanks and then just stared at my feet. So awkward. Finally a seat opens up and i sat down. Other guy leans over and says " Is he bothering you?" I tell him no , not any more. So he replies "Okay cuz if he was just tell me and i would take care of it." Thanks dude. One morning as i got off the train a guy almost knocked me out with his backpack. He said sorry and i assumed that would be the end of talking to him. But then he starts talking to me and asking me about myself. He was super nice and walked with me all the way to the bookstore and then when i had to go he realized he was in the opposite end of where he should be. (I'm gonna say something and no one is allowed to comment on it) I don't understand why these things happen. While at work i got asked for my number a few times, and other stuff like saying my name was pretty and that i have the prettiest eyes they have ever seen. Look, I know myself. I know what i look like. I'm nothing out of the ordinary or special. I'm even that good looking so why do people gotta creep on me? But anyways, I'm not so scared of work any more. I know more of what i'm doing and everyone knows me. The 9 hours days are just killing me now.

Oh man...Ryan. This guy scares the crap out of me. (for those of you who don't know, Ryan is the boy I like) I can't read him at all. This frustrates me. The first time he held my hand, my stomach was going crazy. While we were walking around the park talking, I felt like i might fly away. When i was in Idaho and we would text constantly, I couldn't believe someone was this awesome. When he kissed me..oh my heck. If people could spontaneously com bust, i would have. He is just like me. He is super sweet. He's proven to me that chivalry is not dead. He opens all my doors. When we were walking in the park, he makes me move so i'm not walking on the side next to the road. He won't ever let me pay. (It kills me) This all makes me super happy and such, but i'm also scared of him. The way he talks to me over text has changed. It went from flirting all the time, trying to make me smile all the time, smiley faces, laughing, making me feel special. And then actually calling me on the phone to talk to me. *sigh* But now it's totally different. I don't know what changed or if i did anything. He assured me a little while ago that he still REALLY liked me. So that set my mind at ease for a while...but i'm still scared. I don't want this to end up like every other time. I think i have a defect that makes me screw these things up.

Today at work, I saw the two coolest women ever. They were just going through the line to buy stuff just like everyone else there. But these women were from Life Flight. They had their Life Flight uniforms on and oh man. My heart stopped. I want that to be me!

Then while i was riding home on the bus with my Dad, there was a big accident on 5300 south. The first thing i saw was two paramedics holding a little girls hand and leading her over to the ambulance. Then i saw another one putting bandages on someones head in the back of the ambulance. Oh man gosh. I NEED that to be me. I want to be out there, helping people who are hurt. Driving around until i'm needed. I don't know why this kind of job is so appealing to me but i know that if i don't go and try to be a paramedic or a LF paramedic, i will never forgive my self.

I got two letters in the mail this week. One from my friend Jared and another from my friend Paul. Jared is still in the MTC but Paul is in Australia. I love my missionaries. They are so bomb i can't even explain it.

The other day my Mom said something that i couldn't decide if i was angry about or if i was scared of. She said she was worried that since i have never really dated much or ever had a boyfriend that the first boy that asks me out or asks me to marry him, i'll jump into it without even thinking if it's right for me. What the heck Mom?! I may get twitter patted easily and want to feel like someone really cares about me, but trust me. I will not be getting married any time soon. Sheesh. I can barley handle the concept of moving out into my own place. Let alone get married. Yikes!

Well my heart is racing just thinking about everything right now. I think i accidentally made Ryan mad just now... My phone broke so right now i'm using my old crappy one and it doesn't always send my messages. So he thought i was ignoring his question. Awesome. And then his phone died. I love my life. I hate making people mad. Especially when I don't mean to and they just misunderstood me. Gah. Plus not knowing what he thinks of me at this point sucks. What happened to the old fun, cute, flirty, silly Ryan? uhhg. I hate how things always change on me and throw me for a loop...

Bodacious.

Vacations are the bomb. Especially when you go with the two funniest people ever to step foot on this earth. Sara Pickett and Reed Charles just about had me dying from laughing every day.
We drove up to Island Park (up in Idaho)to spend the weekend with his grandparents at their cabin. Holy cow this cabin was amazing! So pretty too. It had two levels and an awesome loft. Every morning we wake up to cookies and a big breakfast. His grandparents are some of the most sarcastic, funny old people i have ever met. So super nice too. The first day we went four wheeling. I'm basically pro at four wheeling, i just like to look at whats around me when i ride so Sara thinks i go too slow even though i'm doing 25mph+ the whole time.
The second day we went up to Yellowstone. I had never been there so they figured they would take me on an adventure. Woot. We got stuck in traffic for about 45 mins. after getting into the park. There wasn't much to do to keep ourselves entertained since there were no animals around so Reed decided to bark at the people who walked past the car. He also pulled out his camera and when someone would walk by he'd scream "Wildlife!" and take a picture of them. I love getting confused looks from people that think we are freaks. We saw some cool geysers and of course took a trip to see Old Faithful. It was of course...faithful. While we were on our way out of the park, we saw a buffalo. Only freaking animal we saw the whole time besides a squirrel.
That night we drove to Idaho Falls because his grandparents were going home and we were gonna stay at their house for our last night. Of course, I get the bedroom int he basement that is covered in pink and has a nice creepy rag doll sitting on the bed. *major shuddering* So when Sara went upstairs i grabbed the doll and put it on her bed. When she finally went into her room to change, she shut the door. I hear an "Ahhhh!" and then i see the door shaking. The door was stuck and she couldn't get it open. So of course i'm on the floor laughing so hard that i can't breath. Ah, good times. So when we all finally went to bed i waited about ten minutes and then decided to text Sara and say "Creepy doll girl is sitting under your bed. Waiting for you to fall asleep" So the next thing i know, Sara runs into my room and jumps into my bed. Yep, i just got a roommate for the night hahaha. I think maybe i should have been nicer to her though. I woke up the next morning when she started beating me over the head with the doll...It wasn't a soft doll. And when i didn't get out of bed for that, she has Ryan give me a "wake up call". I guess that's one way to get me awake. Good morning, my friend is an abusive genius. To say the least.
Now me and Sara are talking about moving out and going to live in a condo on the East side of Murray. That would become the party house for sure. And hopefully over labor day weekend we will be adventuring in Carlsbad, California. Then i can go to the beach and mark another thing off my bucket list!!
Speaking of the bucket list...Here's an update:

-Soap up the three fountains

-Go on a date to Lagoon (always thought that would be the funnest date)

-Get a kiss in the rain (not just any random kiss. a meaningful one)

-Go skydiving

-Visit (bodacious!) Brad in Arizona He's over in utah now for college so this aint gonna happen. FAIL

-Go to LAKE POWELL!

-Read the Book of Mormon all the way through again

-See the ocean

-Walk on the beach in the moonlight

-Have a "paint my house" party

-Work and save up my money

-Be nicer to my sisters and brother believe it or not, i'm a lot nicer than i used to be. WIN

-Appreciate my parents more Definitely a WIN

-Play for All Stars Didn't make the team. FAIL

-Go on a date to temple square

-Make a few awesome music videos

-Learn to do some legit tricks on the trampoline like Joseph and his brother

-Have the biggest bonfire EVER Thanks to Celeste, Dave, Benny and Kyle and lots of other random people. Had it on my birthday! It rocked. WIN

-Go boating. Possibly try water skiing, but for sure go tubing.

-Go camping A LOT. Trek, Girls Camp. Family trip, Idaho cabin and soon the sand dunes! WIN

-Have a paint fight Epic. Celeste, Eric, Maddi, Jessica, and Mike helped with this one. WIN

-Hike like a maniac. (Hike a lot. Not act like a maniac while i hike.) Hiked every chance i got. Too bad my body doesn't want to let me breath. but still, a WIN

-Make a giant Works bomb Brett, Matt, Becky, Andrew, and Andrew helped with this one. It was amazing and a lot louder than expected. Not our smartest idea. But hilarious. WIN

-Actually do something for my birthday Movies with Sara, Dinner with Kelsey. Movie and brownies with Celeste and Madi. But sadly, I didn't get a bouncy house... WIN

-Hang out with my long lost friends found vis Facebook stalking

-Try not to eat ice cream! (decided that it's not gonna happen. I like shakes too much.) FAIL

-Air soft war with Sara Pickett, Celeste and whoever wants to get killed by us

Life is a Hole...DIG IT

My last post I talked about promises, and since then, I have made a huge effort to keep my word. And so far, I've done really well. Just by keeping simple promises, i've noticed that people around me are much happier. The promises i was really wanting to be kept by my friends didn't happen, but oh well. I had fun.

My birthday was on saturday. Friday night, Celeste, Kyle and I went to a bonfire out in the west desert. We were invited by out friends Benny and Dave. A big group of people came and most of them turned out to be really awesome people. At first, we were attacked by crazy bugs. They bit and flew into your face and basically were out to drive you nuts if you were anywhere near the fire. But after about an hour or so, they went away and we were able to play around the fire. The guys had brought big wooden pallets to burn, and when they would put them on the fire, Benny would hop on it and dance. I don't think i have ever laughed so hard at someone while they were dancing inside of a fire. After a while i got a text telling me happy birthday and i realized it was midnight. Holy crap, I had just turned 18. Later we all sat in a circle and played the sound game (funniest game i have ever played. holy heck.) Then right before we left everyone found out it was my birthday so a big group of random people sang me happy birthday while i stood there awkwardly and tried not to run away. We finally got home and i crashed. Later, i woke up around 2 p.m. (nice way to waste my birthday) But then Sara picked me up and we went to gateway and we saw Despicable Me. Great, great movie. Super fantastic! Then she passed me off to Kelsie who took me to eat dinner at Rumbi. I had never been there before and it was pretty dang good! Then i headed over to Celeste's to hang out with her and Maddi. We went to Albertson and they made me pick some kind of treat because i hadn't had cake for my birthday. I couldn't decide cuz honestly, i didn't really care what we got, im happy with anything. (I was laughing cuz while i was trying to decide i heard Celeste tell Maddi (correction, I guess it was Maddi who told Celeste, haha) how i wasn't much of a decider. I never choose. I'm just not a chooser. Ever. haha So after i picked a bowl of little mini brownie bite things we headed over to Maddi's house. It was really weird going there because the house that is right next to hers/behind hers is my old step grandpa's house where i had spent A LOT of time there with my family when i was a kid. We headed up to Maddi's cool little loft and we watched Red Eye and Psych. Before we watched the movie, Maddi came up with the bowl of mini brownies and she had but a little tea candle on top of it. I didn't know if i should laugh or cry. Out of all the things that people had done for me that day, for some reason, this was the best. The nicest. And the most awesome. I seriously felt like i was going to explode from happiness. I was super irritated at some one at that moment but i was still so happy that it wasn't too bad.
The tiny little candle on top of the brownie bowl made me think about how it felt like everything in my life was falling into place even though it might seem at times like it was falling apart. I was with two of the greatest people ever. They had put a candle on a pile of brownies to be funny, yet it was the best thing that had happened all day. I need to look at life more closely and see the tiny candle on top of my brownie bowl in every situation.
I've been so focused on being frustrated that its like i forgot how to be happy! I would look at things or people that would have normally caught my eye and just thought "Meh, I don't care any more" But, im done with that!

Life is a hole.... DIG IT!

I love being happy. But, who doesn't? I love noticing things and people and having that make me overly happy. Like this guy. He's tall, dark and gorgeous. Plays guitar and sings. In the words of Celeste "I'm suuuper attracted to him" (I wish it was funny when i say it, cuz when she says it it's freaking hilarious.) I notice the lyrics to songs again. They aren't just rhyming words. Goll, I love music. Music is what feelings sound like! (Ben Folds is a genius) I like noticing the sky...It's always so pretty. No matter what time of day. And how super clean my room is. Or noticing how late it is and that i need to go to bed...